Despite our news on Christmas Eve, we had a lovely, low-key holiday. It's still nice to have this sweet secret, though I'm quite sure it's not much of a secret anymore. At James' urging, I mentioned this pregnancy to a handful of people, who have shared our news with another handful of people, and now, following a few unexpected conversations and e-mails, I'm not sure we have news left to share. I'm beginning to wish I would have held firm to my original plan of not telling a soul until I was scheduled to give birth.
My complaint is not necessarily about the fact that people know of our pregnancy. It's more about the fact that we weren't given the chance to make the announcement we wanted to make when we reached a point where we felt safe and comfortable discussing our progress. I'm hurt that people I love and trust could disregard me so completely, just for a juicy bit of gossip. I'm frustrated that I now have to deal with people who have no idea what they're talking about sharing their unwelcome opinions. I'm sad that I have to deal with others so scornful I can nearly feel their negative energy burning through my chest. Knowing that others I wouldn't normally welcome near a more vulnerable me share in my news adds a burden I absolutely didn't want or expect to deal with.
I don't feel ecstatic about this pregnancy, but rather reservedly hopeful at best.
I'm a long way from being "safe," and I'm afraid of this 7-9 week range.
If I lose this pregnancy now, exactly what I hoped to avoid by keeping things a secret is guaranteed to crash down on me.
That disappoints me deeply.
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