On Indiscretion and Disappointment

Despite our news on Christmas Eve, we had a lovely, low-key holiday. It's still nice to have this sweet secret, though I'm quite sure it's not much of a secret anymore. At James' urging, I mentioned this pregnancy to a handful of people, who have shared our news with another handful of people, and now, following a few unexpected conversations and e-mails, I'm not sure we have news left to share. I'm beginning to wish I would have held firm to my original plan of not telling a soul until I was scheduled to give birth.

My complaint is not necessarily about the fact that people know of our pregnancy. It's more about the fact that we weren't given the chance to make the announcement we wanted to make when we reached a point where we felt safe and comfortable discussing our progress. I'm hurt that people I love and trust could disregard me so completely, just for a juicy bit of gossip. I'm frustrated that I now have to deal with people who have no idea what they're talking about sharing their unwelcome opinions. I'm sad that I have to deal with others so scornful I can nearly feel their negative energy burning through my chest. Knowing that others I wouldn't normally welcome near a more vulnerable me share in my news adds a burden I absolutely didn't want or expect to deal with.

I don't feel ecstatic about this pregnancy, but rather reservedly hopeful at best.
I'm a long way from being "safe," and I'm afraid of this 7-9 week range.
If I lose this pregnancy now, exactly what I hoped to avoid by keeping things a secret is guaranteed to crash down on me.

That disappoints me deeply.

Gone for Good

The sonogram today confirmed Baby B is gone for good. While there was no notable deterioration in the gestational sac at this point, there was no growth to speak of and still no heartbeat. Based on blood levels and scan results, it's probable that the baby died sometime between Thursday and Monday.

My perinatologist brought two colleagues into the room during today's scan, and their consensus was not to recommend surgery at this point, but rather to continue the watchful wait. There is still a risk of ovarian rupture, but the growth level of the gestational sac between Monday and today was minimal. As a result, a rupture is not necessarily anticipated.

Despite having another baby we won't meet until Heaven, we're so grateful for today's news. If a heartbeat would have been present in Baby B today, my OB would have pushed for surgery to remove the ectopic pregnancy, and general anesthesia in the first trimester could be damaging -- even fatal -- to Baby A in my uterus. Also, by waiting and allowing the baby to be slowly reabsorbed, its corpus luteum will continue benefit the overall pregnancy. The doctors plan to rotate weekly scans until Baby B is completely gone.

Monday's Numbers

After Monday's exam, my biweekly blood draw was done at the office. My HCg levels were 25,009. Progesterone was at 35.4. To me, those HCg levels indicate that the twin has indeed died, though the upcoming scan will be necessary to verify. The progesterone level is unbelievable. I've never, ever had such high or healthy levels.

Though I'm disappointed to have lost another baby (and a twin, particularly), its presence in my body has very probably helped its sibling survive. By having ovulated twice, and by having two corpora lutea, the progesterone level I've achieved very probably will push me into the second trimester. For that, I'm extraordinarily grateful.

Collecting My Thoughts

I've had the information about the condition of our pregnancy for about 24 hours now, and I think it would be a good time to collect some of my thoughts. I still feel stunned and disappointed by the news. I was hopeful yesterday's scan would bring clarity -- one or two, healthy or not. Instead, I have more questions than ever. I'm frustrated at the timing of the news here at Christmastime. Where I felt excited and happy, I now feel concerned and distracted. I'm also no longer allowed to leave town, so the plans to see my family have been completely cancelled.

But all of those are small things compared to my health and the health of this pregnancy and these babies.

First to explain, a heterotopic pregnancy is not a vanishing twin pregnancy. A heterotopic pregnancy is a combination intrauterine and ectopic pregnancy. Heterotopic pregnancies are somewhat common in women who have IVF, but spontaneous heterotopic pregnancies are more rare. A heterotopic pregnancy most commonly includes an ectoptic pregnancy in the fallopian tube. A pregnancy anywhere else -- the cervix, the ovary, or the abdominal cavity -- is less common.

It's true that the twin in my ovary could deteriorate if it has indeed died, but there's a chance that it might live. If the baby lives, the pregnancy could become quite dangerous, potentially killing the baby growing in my uterus, ending my chance at further reproduction, even leaving my life at risk. If the baby dies, well, that's another baby gone.

God is a God of miracles, but in this situation, it's hard to know how to pray.

That Which I Don't Understand (by James)

I am sitting in dark, cold hotel room in Grand Rapids. Michigan, trying to make sense of the recent developments of the pregnancy. I'm confused. I'm not sure what to pray for or even how to pray. It all seems surreal. The odds of a heterotopic pregnancy with one of the twins in the ovary is so rare. Yet, this is where we find ourselves.

I'm ready to get back home and be with Amanda and just hold her and love her and tell her how proud I am of her for being strong and fully relying on God. The same God who has brought us out of tough situations before will do the same again. No matter what the situation or outcome, I cannot deny he is working in our lives.

7 weeks today. For that, I am grateful. A strong heartbeat. A good position in the uterus. I pray for your continued growth Baby A.

For you Baby B, I'm overwhelmed by your presence. I can't understand many things. What I do know is that even if you have passed on, you are still a creation of God that has been given to us.

Tomorrow is a big day and will be more telling of things to come. Please pray for wisdom from the MFM and clarity for us.

God is good all the time and all the time God is good.