Twenty-One

I know the title of this post seems to be a clever play on words since we just went to Vegas, but I promise this post has nothing to do with the game of Blackjack. Rather, it has to do with the fact that while we were in Vegas, I hit twenty-one weeks in this pregnancy.

From the beginning of this pregnancy, I anticipated I'd be in major freak-out mode come 21/22 weeks. In both of my pregnancies that have gone so long, twenty-one weeks is a major turning point for me. When my pregnancy with Gracie hit twenty-one weeks, my cervix began changing, I had a rescue cerclage placed, and began 15 very long weeks of bedrest. With Zachary, twenty-one weeks was the beginning of the end with a cough that wouldn't quit and a cervix that would.

Here I am again at twenty-one weeks, and surprisingly, I'm not freaking out. I am very aware of my body (I notice every twinge and tug) and I have thought of visiting the doctor a time or two for another sonogram (just out of curiosity, not out of warranted concern), but I've held steady. I've held steady primarily because I have a regularly-scheduled sonogram at 22 weeks, but moreso because I know sonogram or not, I'm completely out of control when it comes to the outcome of this pregnancy.

I'm doing everything I can to insure a healthy baby at the end. As you can imagine, I've done my research, I've asked my questions, I'm following orders. However, it's been nearly two years since Zachary died, and in those two years, I've become more aware that no matter how much a gestating mother does to insure the life of her little one, life is still fleeting and can slip through fingers when least expected.

That's not to say that I'm expecting an end to life or that I wouldn't be absolutely beside myself if it happened to me once again. I cannot imagine surviving such a loss more than once. I don't even want to think about imagining it. Still, it happens, and it's in light of that reality that I find myself completely at peace.

I'm not at peace because I know the outcome of my pregnancy. I have no idea how this journey will end. I have hope of how it will end. I'm preparing for a positive end. Still, I know no matter what, God holds both me and this wiggly baby girl in the palms of His kind and capable hands, and regardless of how our individual days are numbered, He will be faithful to care for us both.

I'm at peace because I've experienced both the miracle of life and of death. I'm at peace because I've survived. I'm at peace because I went through something so extraordinarily devastating and relied on a God who is extraordinarily faithful. He was present with me through the good moments and the bad. He carried me, He comforted me, and He personally mended my shattered heart.

"O LORD, you are my God;
I will exalt you and praise your name,
for in perfect faithfulness
you have done marvelous things..."
Isaiah 25:1

"For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be."
Psalm 139:13-16

"Blessed is the man
who makes the LORD his trust...
Many, O LORD my God,
are the wonders you have done.
The things you planned for us
no one can recount to you;
were I to speak and tell of them,
they would be too many to declare.
Psalm 40:4a-5

Cross Posted on Mandigirl Muses