About the Baby

Eighty Days

2009-10-17T15:02:00.000-05:00

What a difference a day makes, or eighty days, as in this case.

Brystol, Four Days Old

Brystol, 12 Weeks Old
(or 84 Days Old)

Wordless Wednesday: Footie Jammies/Bumbo Chair

2009-10-17T00:13:00.000-05:00

Brystol, Ten Weeks Old

Pick of the Patch

2009-10-03T23:06:00.000-05:00

We took our newest lil' pumpkin out for her first trip to the Pumpkin Patch. We opted to go early in the season hoping to avoid the crowds and the illnesses that come with them. The dreary, rainy beginning of fall caused our favorite Pumpkin Patch to close for the day, so we stopped in at the smaller neighboring field where I took 9,637 photos for four good shots. At least one pair of socks got ruined, Brystol cried a fair bit, the kids complained about the sun burning out their retinas every time I instructed them to say "cheese," and we all left covered with mud and hay.

Ah, precious memories.

-- The Four Good Pictures --

Brystol Channeling Her Inner-Chef Boyardee

Who You Callin' Pumpkin?

-- The Pumpkin Patch Rejects --

Happy Fall, Y'all!

Sisters

2009-09-30T10:57:00.000-05:00

To my sister:

Remember every day,
no matter what I've said,
here's what i want to say --

I will always love you,
be with you till the end,
when no one else is around
I'll be your friend.

-- Author Unknown

A Couple of Nuts

2009-09-30T10:30:00.000-05:00

Sister to sister we will always be,
A couple of nuts off the family tree.

--Author Unknown

Baby Brystol and the Two Month Stats

2009-09-28T16:51:00.000-05:00

Brystol, Two Months Old

At two months, Brystol:

weighs 11 lbs. 12 oz. and is 75% for weight, 50% for height/head

is as chubby as ever, with a double chin and fat rolls galore

has outgrown a few 0-3 month outfits

has outgrown most Size 1 disposable diapers

is moving into cloth diapers full-time

smiles all the time, even while nursing

still doesn't sleep through the night

doesn't like to sleep alone

coos and "talks" to Daddy, but rarely to anyone else

has earned the nickname "Tootsie," emphasis on "Toot"

tolerates other people holding her for brief periods of time

hates her car seat

has learned to take a bottle

prefers to *not* take a bottle

is losing her hair

might have brown eyes

loves bathtime

doesn't mind tummy time

attended her first opera, "Three Little Pigs"

visited her first series of art museums

loves her brother and sister

is well-loved in return

Smiling Sweetly

2009-09-16T16:50:00.000-05:00

Brystol, Seven Weeks Old

Smiling Sweetly

Not Quite a Giggle

Our Little Bear Cub

Roar!

Happy, Happy Girl

2009-09-10T16:47:00.000-05:00

"It is only in the act of nursing
that a woman realizes her motherhood
in visible and tangible fashion;
it is a joy of every moment."

-- Honoré de Balzac

A Conglomeration of Information

2009-09-04T12:12:00.000-05:00

I thought I would somehow have the opportunity to blog every single day of Brystol's life, but as babies (and two older siblings and homeschooling and chores and sleeping) consume quite a bit of time, I've had no such luck. Not that I'm complaining or anything. Still, it's high time for an update.

Brystol is now six weeks old, and she's growing like a weed. By one month, she'd surpassed her birth weight, weighing in at 8 pounds 5 ounces. She's not been weighed again, but since her fat rolls are developing fat rolls, I'm certain she's doing quite well with her diet. We've been nursing exclusively since sometime in week three (supplementing until then by syringe, feeding expressed milk during or after a nursing session), and life began to sort of smooth out when the entirety of it didn't revolve around feeding. Not to say that we've not been feeding often, we have. It's just easier for me to nurse a hungry baby on demand than to nurse and pump and wake and feed and nurse and pump and wake and feed, ad nauseum. I'm resting, she's resting, and we're both the happier for it.

Brystol spends a good bit of time awake and alert each day visually exploring her environment, hanging out in the mei tai as I do chores, lying on the couch beside me as I grade papers, napping in her crib upstairs as I teach lessons. She does well in meetings, at appointments, and at events for the big kids. She fits nicely into our lives. She loves being engaged by each of us and particularly enjoys "conversations" with dad each evening.

Last week, at about five-and-a-half weeks, she began smiling at us -- not the sweet, gassy smile she's done all along, but the deliberate grin. She did it for the first time on Tuesday when I just happened to ask her if she might smile soon. I thought that was too much of a coincidence, but she did it again for James and the next day for Gracie. I have to say, I'm a big, big fan of the cute milestones.

As for the rest of us, we're adapting nicely. James is working full-force once again and has several out-of-town trips scheduled for this month. The kids are enjoying the routine of school and are anxious for The Cube (the homeschool co-op) to begin next week. I, too, am enjoying our routine, though there are many areas that need to be refined. I've held fast to a minimum number of extracurricular activities for this stage in our lives, which I'm quite happy about, but I'm questioning our curriculum choices, considering the addition of some independent learning programs. I'm learning more about being flexible as I raise these children, trusting God for His direction in even the smallest area.

Regarding my physical condition, I'm also faring nicely. I still have a small wound to deal with, but I'm dealing with that on my own. About a week-and-a-half ago, I refused home health care. When I reached the point that the majority of the wound care need was at the surface level, I felt that there was no point in further dealing with an agency that I found to be remarkably incompetent. Lots of issues justify my position, and none are really worth rehashing -- I would just never recommend this agency to anyone and suggested the same to my doctor.

I followed up with the doctor today and what remains of the wound is healing very well. He modified the wound care I've been doing at home and thinks everything should be completely healed in no more than two weeks (only eight weeks post-delivery. Sigh.). During my visit today, the doctor mentioned he used a new product when he originally closed my wound post-surgery -- a product proven to reduce bleeding and fluid build-up and to virtually eliminate the risk of a hematoma. Ha! I think next time I'll request something different.

And speaking of "next time," the doctor mentioned we could begin trying for number four as early as next month. What?! First of all, that was a total, absolute surprise. After all of my losses, the transabdominal cerclage, all the work it takes to get pregnant, all the work it takes to stay pregnant, a heterotopic pregnancy, biweekly visits from the beginning, increased fluid, elevated pressures, a c-section, anesthesia issues, a hematoma and weeks and weeks of wound care, I was CERTAIN he would recommend permanent sterilization, or at the very least, an aggressive method of birth control. I was sure he would say, "Enjoy your three and don't look back." But he didn't. He essentially signed on for the roller coaster ride whenever, if ever, we're ready again, and that deepens my respect for him in so many ways. Not to say that we're ready to try again -- we have no plans for Irish twins -- it's just wonderful to know that whenever we feel the press to open that door again, he'll be standing right there with us.

Visiting with Aunt Ruby

Kisses from Daddy

Conversations with Mommy

Laying in the Grass

Sunning with Sister

Beautiful Girl

Happy Baby

So Excited

Big Smile

Sweet Baby Face

Celebrations

2009-08-23T23:38:00.000-05:00

Last weekend and this weekend, we spent time with friends celebrating the miracle God has done for our family in Brystol. These precious people loved on us, prayed for us, and showered us with the most wonderful gifts. (We had another fun shower during the pregnancy thrown by church friends and our community group, but I didn't take my camera and don't have any digital images to blog. Anyone care to share?)

Last weekend, my friend Marcie threw together an impromptu shower for us when James was suddenly scheduled to work in Tulsa and the kids and I tagged along. It was great to see a few Oklahoma friends and some family at the last minute, and we were spared from making the rounds. (James was on camera duty, and yet, there are very few pictures of the friends who came by. Oh well. You know who you are.)

This weekend, Brystol and I celebrated with many of our local friends. These are the friends who rallied around us during each and every one of our losses. They sat with us in the hospital as we waited for sad endings, they planned a memorial service, they brought meals and sent cards and flowers. These are the friends who prayed for us and walked with us all along our reproductive journey, during high times and low. This shower was such an amazing blessing as several of these ladies were planning a baby shower for us when I was pregnant for Zachary. To have them plan a shower for my take-home baby was amazing. It truly meant so much.

It has been so incredible to share our joy with those who have walked through such dark times with us. God has blessed us all...

Brystol, Four Weeks Old

Ribbons and Bows

2009-08-13T23:35:00.000-05:00

Brystol, Three Weeks Old

On Three...

2009-08-13T23:21:00.000-05:00

Prepare for a bit of a photo overload. My personal photographer Amy came by for a visit and took a million precious pictures of our new little subject -- sweet Baby Brystol at three weeks. (If we're technical, the pictures were taken a couple of days before she was three weeks old, but I'm not picky.)

Brystol loves to sleep with her arm behind her head, her left arm in particular. I remember watching her so often on ultrasounds with her arms all around her head or her face, and it's funny to me to watch her doing the very same thing out in the big world. I wonder if she will always prefer sleeping this way.

(With that little smirk, she looks like she's fake sleeping in this picture.)

A sweet bracelet from my friend Lisa

Finding Fingers

The Monkey Face

Beautiful Baby

Mommy's Girl

Though Brystol is a beauty and a treasure, these first three weeks with baby have been very challenging for us all. We anticipated sleepless nights, nursing challenges, and overall family growing pains, but certainly not to the extent that we've felt them. It didn't help that I started out as the walking wounded or that Brystol doubled as the incredible shrinking baby -- those things would have been challenging enough on their own. What we didn't anticipate was just how hard all the sleepless nights (and days) would be, or how difficult nursing (and pumping and supplementing) every 2-3 hours around the clock would be, or just how painful the transition from little sister and big brother to big sister and bigger brother would be. Even our dog is out of whack! I think it would be fair to say that we're surviving. We're happily just getting by and we wouldn't change a thing.

Bits and Pieces

2009-08-13T15:37:00.000-05:00

Brystol, Three Weeks Old
A Photo Collection of Baby Bits and Pieces

Chubby Cheeks

Tiny Mouth

Bright Eyes

Exquisite Ears

Downy Hair

Kissable Neck

Delicate Fingers

Strong Arms

Lithe Body

Long Legs

Beautiful Feet

"For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made."

Psalm 139:13-14a NIV

At Two Weeks

2009-08-06T15:32:00.000-05:00

Two weeks with a new baby in the house go by so much faster than two weeks waiting for baby, and the "2ww" (the "two-week wait" -- the two week span of time between ovulation and implantation) wondering if you've conceived a baby doesn't even feel like the same passage of time at all.

Brystol is now 2 weeks old and she's changed so much. She's obviously thinner -- she weighed 7 pounds 11 ounces at birth, she dropped to 6 lbs. 10, and is now right back around 7 pounds. To get her back to birth weight and beyond, we're both nursing and supplementing with expressed milk using a Medela starter supplemental nursing system. I'm hoping to eliminate all supplemental technology within the next couple of weeks, but my plans are contingent upon her rate of growth. She's growing, she's putting on weight and going in the right direction, it's just not a quick process.

Brystol has more periods of alertness than she did initially. We love looking into her beautiful eyes. They're still that standard grey-blue color of the newborn, but I think they'll be brown in the end. Her hair is thinning a bit in the front, and every once in a while, I think I see a hint of red. (It's very red in these pictures!) James is concerned Brystol will be the only red-headed Filipino in the world, but that's what he gets for marrying a girl of German/Irish descent -- the risk of red-headed kids who tan well. She's lost the squeaky cry of a newborn baby and now has a robust howl. And speaking of lost, she lost her umbilical cord stump and found her big girl belly button. Her buttoned little tummy looks so cute!

Tummy Time with Dad

Not Feeling Photogenic

Big Girl Belly Button

Sleeping Sweetly

Afterbirth

2009-08-05T19:32:00.000-05:00

After the c-section, I seemed to bounce back right away. I had surgery at 8:00 that morning and was up and moving around later that afternoon. I stayed on the IV for 24 hours and received pain medicine through the fluid. The next day, Friday, I switched to oral pain meds and took them on a fairly regular schedule, but I was still up and around. I even considered going home earlier than planned. I decided to stay so we'd have round-the-clock access to the lactation nurses in the hospital.

On Saturday, the nurses began stretching the time between doses of pain medicine, and by evening, I began experiencing increasing pain around the c-section incision. All the nurses and the doctor said my incision looked good and attributed my increasing pain to my mobility. They suggested some rest and I began calling for the medicine a bit more frequently. By Sunday morning, the incision was quite sore. My OB rounded with me that day and said the pain was probably related to skin that had begun growing around the edges of the staples. He ordered the staple removal that day, but as the day progressed, my incision pain was bypassed by a terrible headache. My nurse again suggested rest and insisted that I delay or cancel visitors and take a nap instead. I tried resting, but the headache grew increasingly worse.

After being observed by two nurses and meeting with the anesthesiologist, it was determined that I was experiencing a spinal headache. Evidently, the many spinal attempts made by the CRNA left a wound that wasn't sealing or healing properly. To correct the issue, I had to have a blood patch administered. James and Brystol stayed in the hospital room while I was wheeled back to L&D. There, the anesthesiologist and another CRNA worked together -- the doctor administered a local anesthesia and probed around my spine until he found the wound. Despite the local, I felt a throb with each push. Meanwhile, the CRNA prepared a sterile field on my hand and withdrew a vial of blood. When the doctor found the right location, he injected the sterile blood into the location in my spine. Literally, after only a few minutes, the intense headache was completely gone. I had a "hangover headache" for the rest of the evening, but overall, I felt so much better.

The incision, however, it still hurt like crazy! The nurse tried to dismiss the pain, suggesting I rest instead of having the staples removed, but as the evening progressed, I could no longer bear the pain. The nurse came in with her little bag of tools and said the staple removal would feel similar to eyebrow plucking. She couldn't have been more wrong. The removal was so much more painful than leaving them in place, but it was something that had to be done. I did feel relief once it was over.

The nurse was puzzled by all the pain, but she again just said the skin had begun growing over the edges. Perhaps that was the answer. The next morning, I had my final check by the rounding doctor and my lovely incision was complimented once again. The paperwork for discharge was submitted, and by lunchtime, I was on my way home.

We arrived home and began to settle in, and within a few minutes, a hungry baby needed nursing and I sat down to care for her. As I reached across my body to grab a pillow to my left, I felt an unzipping way down low. Instantly, my lap was warm with blood and fluid. I pressed my hand to the wound, not fully understanding what had happened, and began to call for James who was in the shower. James took the baby from my arms and called the doctor to find out what we should do. Marcie examined the opening -- my frantic mind imagined her looking for body parts. I felt relief when she told me she just saw an opening on my surgery scar -- not intestines spilling out.

The nurse at the doctor's office told us to come in right away, so after twenty tumultuous minutes at home, we were off again. The doctor said I must have developed a hematoma -- a collection of fluid and blood -- behind the incision. The pressure of the hematoma combined with me turning across my body caused the incision to open up. He mashed around on it and forced it to drain some, then sent me home with instructions to let it keep draining. I was to come back two days later to have it packed.

By Wednesday, the draining slowed. I went in to have the wound packed and discovered the plan was to have the wound packed two to three times each day. Home health care would have to be ordered and healing was projected to take 4-6 weeks. Since a nurse likely wouldn't be in my home by that night, I scheduled a time to come back to the office the next morning. When I arrived that Thursday morning, the office nurse told me they were having complications arranging my home health care with an agency and hospital admission was necessary. They were hopeful I'd be in and out in a short amount of time, but my freedom was contingent upon what the hospital care coordinator could work out before the end of business on Friday. One-week-old Brystol and I checked back into the postpartum wing for wound care.

The nurses on the wing were surprisingly so excited to have me back. Most of them had never dealt with wound care and were excited for the opportunity to do something new. The nurse educator came in and taught them about equipment, wound cleansers and skin prep products, then directed three nurses as they packed the wound with a wet-to-dry dressing (which is essentially a 4x4 gauze soaked in sterile water, then packed into the wound using a long cotton tipped applicator).

They packed the wound three more times before midday Friday, and at that time, a wound care nurse came in to examine my wound and make her recommendation. She observed that the zealous postpartum nurses packed my wound so well that they opened up two three-inch long tunnels underneath the side portions of the incisions -- the portions that appeared to be completely healed. Essentially, the entire c-section incision housed a hematoma -- no part of it was healing as well as we thought.

Because of the tunnels, the wound care nurse recommended a Wound Vac, which is just that -- a vacuum for wounds. I have the ActiVac in particular. The Wound Vac is apparently a wonderful contraption. Because it both wicks (or rather, sucks) away drainage and provides negative pressure on the edges of a wound, it speeds healing time quite dramatically. Instead of healing taking a minimum of four to six weeks, and potentially more, healing with a Wound Vac could take four weeks or less.

The wound care nurse packed my abdomen with the Wound Vac sponges, the care coordinator found a home health care agency to care for me after my release from the hospital, and a KCI nurse delivered a portable unit to my hospital room. I was set to go home by dinnertime.

At this point, the plan for care includes dressing changes in my home every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Other than that, I just wear a gurgly vacuum that slurps all day and all night. As for the vacuum, it's cumbersome, it's uncomfortable, and wearing a constant contraption is not at all what I had in mind for my postpartum days.

In many ways, I feel trapped and burdened by this vacuum, both physically and emotionally. In other ways, I'm grateful for the burden -- it causes me sit and be still, it forces me to do less and to rely more, and it makes me very happy that I was so intent on plowing through "The List" while I was free to lift my arms above my head and bend at the waist (both of which I am now not allowed to do). Despite this new challenge, I'm so grateful that I'm bearing this physical burden and not Brystol. Overall, we're both healthy, and have much to be thankful for. I have been given grace enough for this, and even this -- this too shall pass.

Sporting the ActiVac

"Then Jesus said, 'Come to me,
all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens,
and I will give you rest...
Let me teach you,
because I am humble and gentle at heart,
and you will find rest for your souls.'"
Matthew 11:28-29

Bright Eyes

2009-08-05T14:52:00.001-05:00

Brystol, though still very sleepy most of the time, has had some wonderful moments of alertness lately. We all get so excited when she rouses from her slumber to look around for a while. Her bright eyes are so lovely! If I were her, though, I'd keep my eyes mostly shut too. Looking out at the four of us gathered around her is surely rather disturbing. Here she is at ten days old.

Waking Up

Finding Her Hands

Who Are These People?

Bright Eyes

Pretty Girl

Big Yawn

Kisses

Winding Down

All Done!

Daddy's Girl

2009-08-03T14:58:00.000-05:00

James has been waiting for a baby to cuddle for a long, long while.
Brystol fills his arms perfectly...

This picture is a happy accident.
Somehow I caught them making the same silly face!

Daddy loves his baby girl.

Worth the Wait

2009-08-02T23:19:00.000-05:00

Brystol, One Day Old

Baby Day

2009-08-02T22:28:00.001-05:00

Our darling little Brystol is now ten days old. Where has the time gone?
A Baby Day update is long overdue.

The night before delivery, I was up all night long wrapping up a few things on "The List." James, to no avail, insisted that I sleep, but I knew I wouldn't, I couldn't. I was too nervous, too excited -- there was far too much anticipation to even lay down and close my eyes. I'm sleepless the night before a vacation, so why he thought the night before meeting our long-awaited baby would be any different, I'll never know. That long night was very productive, and while I left a few things undone, I went to the hospital that Baby Day morning feeling very satisfied with my progress.

We left for the hospital at 5:00 A.M. on Thursday morning and arrived about thirty minutes before our scheduled arrival time. We were so excited! We couldn't believe our day had come -- finally! The surgery nurse had my triage room already set up and began checking me in early. Not long after hooking me up to the monitor, she asked if I could feel the irritability in my uterus. I'd had a couple of very strong contractions on the drive over, but nothing that I would have rushed into L&D for. However, all the movement on the monitor behind James (the yellow line) might have sent me in for a labor check even later that day. Thank goodness for good timing!

Everything became very real to James once he put on the blue scrubs. James obsessed over scrubs nearly the whole pregnancy. He even considered buying his own pair of A&M scrubs just for the occasion. He grew visibly more and more excited pulling all the blue on over his regular clothes. I, however, was not very happy about my big blue hat. James said I looked like a line worker in a cafeteria -- once again with the tenderness.

After meeting various doctors, nurses, and techs in the triage, I walked to the OR. I can honestly say that my excitement was replaced with fear and dread. I felt more nauseated with each and every step. By the time I climbed on to the operating table, I was confident I would either vomit all over the place or experience a "Code Brown," if you know what I mean.

I calmed a bit until the CRNA began trying to insert the spinal. I've had several spinals and two epidurals during my reproductive life and personally don't find them to be a very big deal. I wasn't really nervous about the insertion at all, however, as she attempted to place the spinal, I kept experiencing a shooting pain in my right hip. Though I told her what she was doing didn't feel right, she kept doing it -- eight more times. It wasn't until I began sobbing so hard that another attempt could not be made that the MD took over and tried again. He moved to the space above where the CRNA was working and found a satisfactory location placed the spinal with one very simple, very painless insertion.

Here I am feeling the affects of the anesthesia and just waiting to get the show on the road. The aforementioned CRNA stayed with me to monitor the dosages of medication, and though she was incapable of placing my spinal, she was quite competent from there on out. The kept me well informed of everything going on around me and was quite tender with her care.

(As a side note, three days after delivery I ended up with a terrible spinal headache that knocked me flat out. It came on slowly over the course of the day, but eventually, the nurses found me crying and writhing in pain that I classified a 10 out of 10 on the pain scale. I'd surprised them by being up and active the day of my c-section, so they knew that headache was serious stuff. They immediately called in the anesthesiologist, and in the end, I had to have a blood patch inserted to repair the work the CRNA had done.)

Moments later, I heard comments about how much fluid I had (three liters, where one is normal). A couple of people mentioned seeing a baby bottom. My doctor exclaimed, "It's a girl!" It was all over -- what relief!

Brystol initially had a good strong cry...

... but she gulped down some fluid on the way out and was very, very gurgly. She was suctioned in the OR, but she needed more care. A few moments later, a NICU nurse came in to say they'd need to assess her in the NICU and monitor her breathing for a while before they could let me have her. Two to four hours was the expected timeframe.

Chubby baby -- so, so cute!

Weight rounded up to 7 pounds 11 ounces

Seeing that sweet face for the first time...

Daddy in Scrubs

Wiped Out after the NICU Assessment

Brystol cleared her lungs right away, so her NICU assessment was much shorter than anticipated. They ran a catheter into her intestines to make sure no fluid would be found there. When it wasn't, they brought her to me in the recovery room within the hour.

Holding her was a dream come true...

The announcement sign that hung on the door or my hospital room:

"You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing."
Psalm 30:11

Later in the day, Gracie and Bub came to the hospital to meet their long-awaited baby sister. They were both so amazed by her. Gracie, while so excited, seemed to behave like her expectations had been met -- she knew all along she'd have a sister. Bub, on the other hand, was so shocked. He told my mom he couldn't believe we had a baby. Instantly, he was head-over-heels completely in love. They both were.

Sweet Friends and Family Shared Our Joy

Admiring Our Miracle

We're a Happy Family of Five

"Praise the Lord!
I will thank the Lord with all my heart
as I meet with his godly people.
How amazing are the deeds of the Lord!
All who delight in him should ponder them.
Everything he does reveals his glory and majesty.
His righteousness never fails.
He causes us to remember his wonderful works.
How gracious and merciful is our Lord!"
Psalm 111:1-4 NLT

"He settles the barren woman in her home
as a happy mother of children.
Praise the LORD."
Psalm 113:9 NIV

My Mourning Has Been Turned to Dancing

2009-07-23T22:37:00.000-05:00

I will [exalt] You, O LORD, for You have lifted me up...
I cried to You for help, and You healed me.

Sing praise to the LORD, you His godly ones,
and give thanks to His holy name.

For His anger is but for a moment,
His favor is for a lifetime;
Weeping may last for the night,
But a shout of joy comes in the morning...

You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
You have loosed my sackcloth and girded me with gladness.
That my soul may sing praise to You and not be silent
O LORD my God, I will give thanks to You forever."
Psalm 30:1a,2,4,5,11,12

Welcome Brystol Rebecca
Born July 23, 2009
8:23 A.M.
7 pounds 11 ounces
21 inches long

Maternity Photo Shoot

2009-07-23T05:00:00.000-05:00

My sweet friend Amy met with me early the morning before delivery to take some pictures of my very pregnant belly. Amy and her camera have been present with me at some of the most intense moments of my life, so it was suitable for her to share in my joy. I absolutely love the work she did!

Final Thoughts Before Baby

2009-07-23T03:00:00.000-05:00

I'm at 37 weeks gestation and am now officially in the baby countdown. I've been measuring on the high side with regards to baby's growth rate and my fluid levels, so after some drastic increases, the time has come to deliver.

I had an amniocentesis on Monday to gauge baby girl's lung development. Because my OB has been holding fast to the idea of delivery at 39+ weeks and expressed concern about lung development if delivery occurred before that, we opted to take the test for our peace of mind and for his. We saw the specialist before office hours, and though I wasn't nervous all the way up to the appointment, once I saw the assortment of sterilized torture devices, my heart skipped a beat. In all, the process of the amniocentesis wasn't bad, merely the anticipation of the process. Later that same day, we got word that the results indicated that our little one's lungs were at a "post-term" level, meaning proceeding with delivery was safe.

Tuesday, I saw the OB/GYN, and after considering the results of the amnio and the scan the day before, he decided moving delivery to this week was a good idea. I had it in my mind that we'd deliver on Friday (thus giving me another 24 hours to work on "The List"), but with a dramatic increase in fluid levels from one week to the next, he decided delivery would occur as soon as possible. The OR confirmed availability, and I was informed that we'd meet our little one on the 23rd (today!) at 8:00 A.M. (in five hours!).

Tuesday afternoon and Wednesday was spent working a bit more on "The List," though I didn't accomplish all I set out to. Some tasks were left undone intentionally, and some because there really aren't that many hours between Tuesday afternoon and Thursday morning. I do feel really good about the progress I have made and feel confident that I can spend a few days away and come home to relax without feeling the pressure of projects still waiting to be done. Plus, after watching a couple of friends bounce right back after delivery, I have a feeling I'll be able to accomplish a few more things before we get back to the busyness of the school year. We'll see -- the pressure's off now. No need for distractions anymore.

Now, on this final baby-free night, I'm here and waiting. I should be sleeping, but I'm not. I'm enjoying the last few moments of the baby rolling and tumbling inside of me, knowing that these may be the last moments I ever get to experience this sensation. I'm thankful to God for the miracle of these moments, each and every one, and after experiencing so many betrayals, I'm grateful -- so grateful -- that this baby has overcome my body and is still alive, just waiting to join our family. God has been so, so good.

Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:
Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness."

Lamentations 3:21-23

A Few Maternity Photos
(Taken by Amy at 37 weeks, one day)

(More to come...)

Checking Things Off "The List"

2009-07-15T15:32:00.000-05:00

Preparing for a baby is often called "nesting," and I've been nesting in such an unusual way that more than once James has referred to me as a "Crazy Hen." Nice. He really only tops himself when he comes in the door and says, "Good gosh, you're HUGE!" He's such a tender man. Ahem.

I'm the first to admit that the things I've felt compelled to do while preparing are a bit unconventional, but they were (are) projects that needed (or still need) to be done. When the baby comes, I don't want to have undone things lingering, taunting me. I want to be focused on our little family and not frustrated by the paint color in the bathroom. Fortunately, I believe I've completed the harder big things and am left with just the little ones. I'm hoping to have a super-productive week this week and to be completely finished come Monday morning -- yeah right!

To clue you into the insanity, some things now checked off "The List:"

We bought a new-to-us minivan. For two years, I've been driving a Honda CR-V while James has been commuting in a Ford Focus. Throughout the pregnancy, we've discussed the coming changes in our transportation needs. We considered adding a third row to the CR-V, but when we couldn't agree on the direction the third row should face, we knew we'd have to start shopping for a roomier vehicle. We planned on having time to look for a van in a leisurely fashion, but we ended up in a rush. Six weeks ago, I was rear-ended in the rain. The day we committed to put my car in the body shop and had a replacement bumper ordered, James' Ford Focus began having problems. Turns out his car repair would exceed its value, so we sold it to our mechanic for a really good deal. We spent the week searching Craig's List and Auto Trader and ended up with a really great deal on a Kia Sedona. Ultimately, I'd love a tricked out Honda Odyssey, but this cash van will serve us well until we're ready to make that sort of commitment.

I redesigned the front planter beds. When we considered purchasing this house two years ago, this particular redesign was one of the first things I planned to do. I didn't do it sooner because I thought the big bushes would be difficult to remove, but once I became pregnant, the difficulty level of the project somehow no longer mattered. (Crazy, I know.) The whole space had to change or I might have actually lost my mind. I began by trimming and changing the shape of the bushes, then removed two giant holly trees and four bushes like the remaining tall ones (I don't know what they're called). Bub and I pulled up some non-functional weed cloth, killed the wayward grass in the bed, and dug out all the old mulch. Then the kids and I gathered stones for the edging from a pile of debris left over from the installation of some utility pipe at the entrance of our neighborhood. We tossed the red brick edging and just love all the new stone! I filled in the space left by the missing bushes with stone pavers, patches of sod, and hardy plants and bushes purchased on clearance at The Home Depot.

I repainted the downstairs powder room in a shade called "Late Tomato." It was painted in the same brown shade as the accent walls in our family room, and while I like the brown in our bright and open family room, I did not like it in the small enclosed powder room. I can't say why -- I just didn't like it. I read on the Thrifty Decor Chick blog about $13 gallons of custom color paint at Wal-Mart, so other than the 6,427 coats of paint it took to get the rusty red color just so, it was an easy and inexpensive change. (I've since learned that time can be saved by putting red paint over gray or red primer, not white primer as I used.) I also purchased inexpensive brushed nickel fixtures to replace the boring builder stuff that was in place. I installed a $29 light fixture, a $10 toilet roll holder, and a $4 robe hook to replace the full length towel bar. To freshen things up (and because I'm nuts), I replaced the toilet seat with a bright new one for $5.

The white vintage changing table has been sanded and primed and I've begun painting it (though swollen hands slow the process considerably). It's going in our room instead of in the little girl room, and since all of our furniture has a dark finish, it had to be repainted. I also removed the white shelf paper that was inside the drawers and will reline it with a cuter coordinating paper. I'm actually excited it's going to be downstairs -- the drawers in the changer will store our stash of cloth diapers perfectly!

(You know, for someone who hates painting, I've been doing a lot of it!)

My sweet friend Amy has been asking to come help me prepare for the baby. Thank goodness Amy loves me just as I am, because when I asked her to redo my mantle and cabinet tops instead of organizing diapers, she didn't bat an eye and she didn't call me crazy -- at least not to my face! We met at Hobby Lobby just in time for an 80% off sale and picked up a few black and red accents to enhance the things I already owned, then she spent an evening here working her magic. I just love all the little things she's done!

The kids began working on their "Hello Baby" activity books. These sweet little books for big brothers and sisters-to-be are appropriate for children as young as age two, and quite honestly, they're probably more appropriate for that younger set than for kids as old as ours. Gracie was two and Bub was four when we began this TTC journey -- we bought the books way back then not imagining it would take all these years. I think finally being allowed to fill them in makes their impending sibling seem that much more real.

Back to the laborious part of the nesting process, we also rearranged our master bedroom and family room, ordered a new recliner for the family room, and replaced the sectional slip cover in the game room. I've decluttered closets, bookshelves, kitchen cabinets, and the pantry.

Still to do: make big brother/big sister shirts for delivery day, sew and install the little girl curtains, purchase and install cabinet hardware in the kitchen, repaint Bub's room and change out the bedding, repaint the furniture in the guest/scrapbooking room, and put together some freezer meals so the family doesn't starve while I'm hospitalized.

The End is in Sight

2009-07-15T12:29:00.000-05:00

It's been ages since my last blog post -- I know. I've been busy with life and appointments and kids on summer break, not to mention "The List" -- my insane compilation of pre-birth projects. Moreover, I've been struggling with swelling hands lately and find it very painful to type with numb fingertips. Numb fingertips or not, time is flying by and an update is long overdue.

I'm at 36 weeks and one day pregnant today, which is the exact gestational age I was when I gave birth to Gracie, though as far as I know, I'm physically no closer to giving birth to this baby than I was weeks ago. I took my last 17P Hydroxyprogesterone injection last week and have been having some contractions this week. The swelling, though, has been much more problematic than the contractions.

On Friday, I had to go in for a blood pressure check because my hands were so swollen I couldn't grip anything. My blood pressure was within a healthy range -- elevated, but not necessarily high enough to indicate pre-eclampsia. My pressures were elevated enough that the nurse told me to monitor for increased swelling or any abdominal pain and to go in to Labor and Delivery if other symptoms developed.

Saturday, after running errands, I noticed my right leg was very swollen. As time passed, I began having a constant pain in my left side. Abdominal pain associated with pre-eclampsia is normally on the right, still, we weren't taking any chances. We went to L&D where I was examined, had some lab tests, and spent some time on the monitor. Labs came back fine, but the exam and monitoring indicated that I could have been in the beginning stages of labor. My cervix seemed a bit shorter and I was contracting every three minutes or so. After a couple of hours of monitoring, the contractions began to fizzle out -- they weren't quite as intense and they weren't getting any closer together. Because I was beyond 35 weeks, contractions weren't going to be medically stopped. Because they weren't behaving appropriately, though, the doctor on-call didn't think it was necessary to keep me or to suggest delivery so prematurely. He sent me home on Ambien, saying that the relaxation of a deep sleep would allow my uterus to either work more effectively or calm down.

He was right -- by morning, everything was well rested. Sunday progressed normally, but as I slept Sunday night, I was shocked awake several times with hard, intense contractions. I wondered if we were going to have a "Honey, it's time" scenario, but just like the night before, the contractions never fell into a consistent pattern. I was sore and queasy Monday morning, but after a chiropractic adjustment and a massage, I've been fine and contraction-free.

Today, I had my regular appointment with my OB/GYN. The baby has been consistently measuring big: at 34 weeks, my uterus measured 38 weeks; at 35 weeks, baby appeared to weigh around 8 1/2 pounds; at 36 weeks (today), tummy measured 43 weeks. I've had my blood sugar tested three times and every test has come back with good results -- we've just made a big, tall girl! Big babies, though, produce lots of fluid, and all that weight on a transabdominal cerclage could prove to be heartbreaking (though it could also not become problematic at all -- it's hard to say for sure).

For some time now, my OB/GYN has held fast to the ACOG guidelines and planned to deliver after 39 weeks. With the current measurements, though, he's finally willing to concede that an earlier delivery is probably necessary. The plan at this point is to have my specialist perform an amniocentesis on Monday (when I'll be at 36+6) to determine lung development. The results will come back 24 hours later, and if the lungs appear to be fully developed, I'll likely deliver by the end of the week. I could potentially be without a cohabitant in ten very short days! If the lungs seem to need more time, I'll probably deliver by the end of the following week without a repeat amnio. I'd be at 38 1/2 weeks at that point, and in general, delivery is quite safe then.

At today's appointment, we discussed about the process of delivery -- what to expect, what to tell another doctor about my modified makeup if my OB/GYN does not deliver me, etc. He also told me that I can keep the baby with me in the OR after the c-section instead of sending her to the nursery and said that she can join me in the recovery room to begin nursing within the first hour. I have to say it is so surreal to be talking about delivery and nursing and the happy end of things. I still feel such a disconnect, like all this wonderful good fortune could not be ours. I know that we're not totally out of the woods yet, and I know there are still no guarantees, but I am beginning to feel the most remarkable glimmer of hope.

The Sibling Class

2009-06-27T23:16:00.001-05:00

Today, the kids participated in a sibling class offered by my delivering hospital. I looked into the class months ago, I even told the kids about it, but I didn't make reservations because I honestly anticipated the worst case scenario long before now. That scenario might have been strict bedrest, a NICU baby, or another loss -- I had no idea. I never imagined being stable and upright at 33 1/2 weeks pregnant and sitting in a classroom while my kids watched silly videos and learned how to change diapers and wrap a swaddling blanket.

I never dreamed we'd have a day like today -- but we did, and it was great!

Both kids received activity books to help them learn about their new sibling, then a nurse told them all about what to expect when the baby arrives. She introduced them to all sorts of baby gear and showed them pictures of what the baby would look like when first born.

Next, each child chose a baby doll on which to practice their sibling skills: holding, swaddling, feeding, burping, and diaper changing.

Bub was surprisingly serious about his role as the big brother and took excellent care of his "baby." In fact, while the other little boys were goofing off, he continued to practice the things he learned. I knew he would enjoy the class, I just had no idea he would stay so focused.

After honing their care-taking skills, the kids had a snack and watched a silly video about becoming a sibling. Then, we all took a hospital tour. We looked at some babies through the nursery window, walked through the antepartum wing, and triage area and the doors to the OR where I'll be taken for delivery. (Because of the TAC, I'll have a C-Section.)

We visited a delivery room where the other touring moms will labor and deliver. There, Gracie weighed her practice baby...

... and Bub gazed at an empty baby warmer. (It was at this point that I became choked up and had to discreetly step out of the room.)

After the tour, the kids returned to the classroom and made stuffed animals (outfitted with little hospital t-shirts) to commemorate the day.

Gracie chose a chocolate lad, declared her a girl, and named her "Kisses."

Bub made a black cat called "Shadow" and stuffed a wishing star inside.

Big, Big Baby: 32 Week Sonogram Update

2009-06-18T22:44:00.000-05:00

The doctor did have a sonogram ordered for my appointment at 32 weeks and 2 days gestation, which was a lovely surprise. The OB, in an effort to make this pregnancy as "normal" as possible, has been pretty stingy with them lately, so I wasn't sure we'd get to have a look at the baby until I see the MFM next week. Since we've seen the baby so many times and since we haven't had any issues of late, these scans are are done more to keep up with growth and to stay on top of fluid levels and uterine condition. The medical portion of the scan is very brief, leaving us with time to just gaze at the baby. That's always such a wonderful way to spend an afternoon.

As for the baby, she appears to weigh 5 pound 9 ounces and measured in the range of a baby at 35 weeks gestation. She's in the 97th percentile with regards to growth, which is how she has been measuring for some time now -- she's progressing at the same rate along the growth curve. And while I still haven't officially gained any pregnancy weight (still weighing three pounds under my pre-pregnancy weight), my uterus is measuring 35 weeks.

What was most surprising to me at this appointment was how surprised the OB seemed to be about my uterine size and the baby's size. He kept looking at my chart and scan images and just seemed so shocked. That shocked me since we've had more than one conversation about the baby's growth rate and how that will affect my delivery range, and while he's not willing to change my official due date (which I didn't ask him to do) and he's not planning to change my previously scheduled c-section date, he is finally acknowledging that the baby's projected size very likely will play a part in what happens in the end (meaning I could go into labor earlier than 40 weeks or begin to experience that lower-uterine pain the specialist talked about several weeks ago).

Because of the baby's size, the OB wanted to repeat the test for gestational diabetes -- though the one hour test I just took was within range and the results were fine with him, with my specialist, and with my endocrinologist (a doctor who specializes in blood sugar issues). Since taking that one-hour scan, I also had my A1C tested, and that particular blood test reflects a three-month average of blood sugar levels. Though that too was within range and my endocrinologist was happy about my numbers, the OB still wanted the test done. Having yet another test done wasn't too bad -- just inconvenient. I had to have a fasting blood sugar level drawn, then a repeat draw two hours after a meal (meaning I didn't have to drink that "delicious" orange drink again). After two blood sugar tests coming in fine when read by three doctors and after raising another biological child who always measures in the 97th percentile in height, I'm not too concerned.

All in all, both the baby and I are doing so well. The miracle of this pregnancy has been such a remarkable blessing. Thank you, God.

Image Credit: Mark Parisi, offthemark.com

Being Still and Waiting on God

2009-06-16T05:57:00.001-05:00

I'm at 32 weeks now in this pregnancy. Though I'm at a big milestone for any high-risk pregnancy, I still want this baby to stay in and cook for a while longer. If I were to go full-term, I'd have about eight more weeks to go before delivery. I'm hoping to go six more weeks (reaching 38 weeks gestation), though it's not unreasonable that I'll deliver as early as 4-5 weeks from now (at 36-37 weeks).

I'm still taking the 17P Hydroxyprogesterone injections to prevent preterm labor, and while they're considered to be effective, I'm beginning to break through with what I hope are non-productive Braxton Hicks contractions. A couple of times, I've experienced contractions more painful or coming more frequently than they should be, but those contractions were resolved -- fortunately! -- with Gatorade and rest at home. Still, I personally think once those injections come to an end, I won't have long before natural labor kicks in, or is allowed to take over -- whatever the case may be.

This is me we're talking about, though -- the woman who spent 15 weeks on bedrest to keep one baby in, only to end that pregnancy with an induction and an aggressive approach to delivery assistance. I wouldn't be surprised if I end this pregnancy the very same way. If I make do somehow it to 38 weeks without significant signs of labor, this big baby and I will likely walk the zoo in the July Texas heat -- without water. Dehydration does the trick!

As for baby, I don't have a recent update. I see the OB again on Thursday, but he's gotten all willy-nilly with the sonograms, so I don't know if I'll have a baby update then either. I was rear-ended two weeks ago (at 30 weeks). Post accident, I saw the MFM for a check on the baby and my cerclage, and at that time, she weighed about 4 pounds 4 ounces and measured in at 32 weeks 4 days. Two weeks have passed since that visit, and based on how big she feels now, both on the inside and from the outside, I think she's topped five pounds. Regardless of how much she weighs, I'm quite certain she's sixteen feet long and is trying to break out of my uterus by way of my right hip socket.

Other than a big baby occasionally trying to make a break for it, I still feel really good. Several friends of mine either currently are or just were pregnant, and I think out of the whole bunch of us, I may have the fewest physical complaints. One friend dealt with back issues that put her completely out of commission more than once, and another friend sometimes needs a walking stick just to survive her sciatica. Though I sometimes move slower or tire a bit more quickly than I'm accustomed, many days I don't actually feel pregnant at all. Restless sleep and frequent trips to the bathroom do remind me of my present delicate state, so though I feel pretty good much of the time, I'm certain not to forget -- and not to grow lax on my list of pre-baby chores.

While I still feel pretty fantastic physically, I often do have a difficult time dealing with this pregnancy emotionally. I thought moving into this safer stage would make me feel better and cause me to embrace the pregnancy more, but it hasn't. I am thankful for every single moment I have this living, kicking baby tucked safely away inside, but it's often very difficult to reconcile how I feel about this pregnancy as a whole. I'm excited, but afraid. I'm apprehensive, but appreciative. I've been preparing and counting down the days while realizing my hopes could be dashed at any moment. I still do the juice trick and kick counts and use the doppler from time to time, and occasionally I'm genuinely surprised to find my little one still living.

On one hand, I need every day I can get to prepare for our baby girl to arrive, but on the other hand, the remaining weeks can't pass by quickly enough. I know that God has done and continues to do miraculous things in and because of this pregnancy, still small, weak, little ol' selfish me would like to know the outcome. This being still and waiting on God thing is almost too much to bear.

"Be still, and know that I am God..."
Psalm 46:10a

"The humble will see their God at work
and be glad.
Let all who seek God’s help be encouraged."
Psalm 69:32 NLT

"Since He Himself [meaning Christ]
has gone through suffering and testing,
He is able to help us when we are being tested."
Hebrews 2:18 NLT

Big Baby Blocking My View

On Craft Projects and Baby Names

2009-05-30T22:43:00.001-05:00

Over the course of the week, we've been working on a craft project together, making name plaques for the girls' room. To finish them, we (meaning I) had to commit to a baby name. We've spent an inordinate amount of time discussing options that fall within the guidelines of my crazy rules, but we keep coming back to the same name over and over again.

Working Diligently

All Done!

Painting Plaques

Painting Polka Dots

The Installation

A Place All Her Own

The Big Baby Name Reveal: Brystol
(rhymes with "pistol")

Bitty Baby in 3D

2009-05-26T21:23:00.001-05:00

I had a 3D ultrasound as part of my regular doctor visit today. The baby wasn't as cooperative as I hoped she'd be, and she spent the majority of the time fighting for her right to privacy. She kept turning and yawning and hiding behind my belly button (which casts a very dark shadow across the baby's face). She abruptly ended the scan by putting both her hands and her feet right in front of her face. Little stinker!

As for growth, I'm at 29 weeks gestation today, and the baby measured about 31 weeks and 5 days. Though she's still measuring big, her measurements are increasing at appropriate intervals along the growth chart. The doctor would be more concerned with larger or more irregular advancements. We're just destined to have a sizable baby, I guess.

We were able to capture a few ultrasound images worth sharing:

Baby Profile at 29 Weeks

Looking Down

Looking Forward

Big Yawn

Cross Posted on Mandigirl Muses

The Third

2009-05-21T21:35:00.003-05:00

This week, I reached 28 weeks gestation and officially moved into the third trimester -- all while remaining upright and as active as ever! Physically, I feel very good. In fact, much of the time I don't even feel pregnant.

I'm moving a bit slower, particularly after walking for long stretches, and sometimes I feel like I have to focus to keep the waddle to a minimum. I'm not walking slowly or waddling because the baby is all that big or heavy, but rather because she's been consistently positioned on the left side, causing sciatic nerve pain and muscle tightness there. So far, the pain is no big deal -- not debilitating or anything -- but it is inconvenient and makes the 17P Hydroxyprogesterone injections I take often really painful. Every other week, I prepare for the home health care nurse's visit by wrapping my backside in a heating pad. Fortunately, I only have eight more injections to go, four of them on my left side. We'll try injecting there once more, and if it's still too painful, I'll take the rest of my injections on the right.

I'm still having some food aversions, and really only crave Starburst Fruit Chews (most recently supplied by my friend, Jenny), which I allow myself to eat in a limited amount. In addition, I have some hip pain and arm numbness when I sleep and for a while after I get up in the morning.

Other than those very minimal complaints, this pregnancy has been a much lovelier experience than I ever dreamed. I'm not having any contractions to speak of -- only minimal irritability right around the time the injections are due -- and my cervix remains stable, measuring around the same length all this time. I passed the gestational diabetes screen on the first attempt. I am not in the hospital, I am not on bedrest, and I have no official restrictions to be mindful of. This is all such a new experience, I feel like I wake up in a new world every morning -- a world full of new mercies.

I had a sonogram today, and the baby is still measuring two weeks ahead. She appears to weigh about 3lbs. 6oz. and is the size of a baby at 30 weeks gestation. My due date will not change since early sonos were spot on with regards to measurement and dating, but her growth rate may influence how my uterus behaves in the long run and when we decide to deliver.

My MFM would like to do a amniocentesis at 36 weeks to check lung development, possibly having me deliver then if the baby's lungs are mature. My OB/GYN would like to deliver me no earlier than 39 weeks (unless medically necessary). I'd like to go until 38 weeks and be done with it all. I stop taking 17P injections at 36 weeks, and statistically, women who are prone to preterm labor (like me) begin contracting a week or so after the injections cease. Knowing that, I think delivery at 37 1/2 to 38 weeks is a fair estimate. Only time and bunch of doctor's appointments will tell.

As for our little one, she looked so cute on today's scan! She looks more like a fat little baby with familiar features and less like a stranger on a TV screen. Today, we were able to see she has James' Filipino nose and my chubby cheeks. She has a puff of wispy hair on top (which absolutely comes from James since all of the babies on my side of the family are bald for their first two years) -- we just wonder if it will be Asian black or blond like my baby hair. This little one looks just like her sister in utero. We're so curious about her and extremely anxious to meet her in person!

Not too soon, baby -- not too soon.

(Baby Facing Forward, Tummy on Left, Face on Right, Hand Up Top by Cheek)

Cross Posted on Mandigirl Muses

Bargain Baby Preparation

2009-05-11T12:13:00.002-05:00

Having a baby can be a very expensive business, but it doesn't have to be. With a little ingenuity and effort, bringing a baby home doesn't have to break the bank. We've been preparing for our summer addition by purchasing furniture second-hand, by stocking up on cloth and clearance disposable diapers, and by accepting gently used items from generous friends whose littlest girls are their last.

When I consider what we already have for this baby, I believe we have enough for a healthy head start. Sure, I need a few more cloth diaper covers and some odds and ends here and there, but I think we could realistically bring a baby home without James having to make a midnight run to Wal-Mart.

Though I have everything I need, there are a few more things I want, and since I'm not generally the person who spends loads of money on things just because I want them, I've been browsing the internet looking for resources to help me acquire those wants using things I already have or can get my hands on for very little cost. I'm sharing some of these links with you here. If you have some favorite frugal baby sites, please return the favor by linking them to me in the comments section below.

Nursing Implements

Free Nursing Cover Pattern :: Bliss Tree

Homemade Nursing Pads :: Passionate Homemaking

Contoured Nursing Pad Pattern :: Pampered Cheeks

Baby Leg Warmers

How to Sew Baby Legwarmers :: eHow.com

How to Make Legwarmers Out of a Sweater :: eHow.com

How to Make Leggings for a Baby :: eHow.com

How to Knit Super-Easy Baby Legwarmers :: eHow.com

Harper (Baby) Leg Warmers :: The Funky Hooker

Baby Slings

Baby Sling Resource Page (Many Free Links):: Mamma'a Milk

Free Mei Tai Sling Instructions :: Jan Andrea

More Mei Tai Instructions :: Walter + Veronica

Free and Simple Baby Sling Pattern :: Karma Baby

Cloth Diapering

Recycled Diaper Sewing :: Fern and Fairie

Sewing Your Own Cloth Diapers (Pattern Links) :: The Diaper Jungle

Free Diaper Patterns :: Cloth Diaper Sewing

More Free Diaper Patterns :: Zany Zebra Designs

How to Make a Cloth Diaper Soaker :: eHow.com

How to Make Wool Diaper Covers :: eHow.com

Free Soaker Pattern :: Katrina's Sew Quick

Free Tiny Birds Soaker Pattern :: Tiny Birds Organic Baby

Make Your Own Wool Soakers :: borntolove.com

Other Stuff

Free Grocery Cart Cover Pattern :: Jan Andrea

Miscellaneous Baby Savings Ideas :: Frugal Baby Tips on Blogger

More Miscellaneous Baby Savings Ideas :: The Frugal Baby

Cross Posted on Mandigirl Muses
Photo Credit: halloweencostumes.com

The NapStrap

2009-05-08T10:07:00.004-05:00

Something that will definitely not make the registry cut: The NapStrap.
Seriously, how did we even survive the 1970's?

photo credit: Abraisme

Twenty-Six / Ninety-Seven

2009-05-06T15:10:00.008-05:00

First of all, let me reiterate how I detest posting profile pictures of myself. Were it not for my need to please my far-away friends and family, you'd just have to imagine what my changing body looks like.

I reached a couple of personal pregnancy milestones this week: I reached twenty-six weeks of pregnancy (my personal magic number), and I moved on to a double-digit pregnancy countdown. I have only ninety-seven days to go if I'm allowed to be pregnant all the way to my due date, which is actually quite improbable. (I probably only have 75-85 days left.)

I saw my MFM for my regular monthly check-up today. At the appointment, he confirmed that my cervix is still stable and that there was no evidence of an internal bleed. With that good news, he removed the precautionary restrictions imposed by the on-call OB at my little hospital visit on Sunday. Regarding my cervix, the doctor said since I've not had any adverse symptoms throughout the entire pregnancy, and since I'm now at 26 weeks, my overall cervical length is now less of a concern. He said with this transabdominal cerclage, once we successfully pass 24 weeks without any cervical issues, we're really in the clear -- if there were going to be a change, it would have happened by 24 weeks. The primary focus now is keeping preterm labor at bay, and so far, the once-weekly progesterone injections are doing the trick.

The baby weighed in at 2 pounds 10 ounces, and based primarily on femur length, is the same size as a baby at 28 weeks gestation (two weeks ahead of where I am in this pregnancy). I've been telling James she feels so much bigger, like a big lump in my stomach, and when she kicks now, you can see strong movement from the outside. He was skeptical since her weight was around 1 pound 5 ounces only one month ago, but to our great surprise, she's doubled in size. She's positioned head down and curled up in a ball.

As for her rapid growth, we're not extraordinarily concerned. James and I are both very tall people who come from very tall families, so this baby's long femur length is probably related to our genetic makeup. (Even Gracie was the size of a full-term baby when she was born four weeks prematurely, and now at six-years-old wears clothes cut for a tall ten-year-old.) Still, the doctor wants to see me again in three weeks to monitor and remeasure the baby, and wants me to begin watching my sugar/carbohydrate intake to help slow things down growth-wise. I'm scheduled to take the test for gestational diabetes in two weeks, but regardless of the outcome, I'm still supposed to watch my sugars and carbs (which is why I suddenly feel the need to engorge myself on watermelon, Junior Mints, and Cuppa Soup).

Baby Face

Tummy on left, Face Forward on right, Hand up top by face

Cross Posted on Mandigirl Muses

When Justice is Better Served in a Room Full of Dead Baby Mommies

2009-05-06T14:00:00.009-05:00

I read a shocking article today about a 21-year-old man who's been charged with murder after attacking his ex-girlfriend and her three-month-old son, then kidnapping the baby and tossing him from a moving vehicle on an interstate highway. The sight of the dead baby disturbed the man who found him -- a news photographer -- so deeply that he couldn't bear to keep his eyes on the child.

I cannot even form words to describe how intensely furious I feel about this entire situation,
so I'm not even going to try.

I will say, though, that this unbelievable individual is quite fortunate to not have me on his jury -- particularly since I feel that true justice might be better served if a prison sentence were bypassed and he were locked in a room full of dead baby mommies.

Instead of Just Enjoying a Lazy Sunday Afternoon...

2009-05-03T21:58:00.000-05:00

Instead of just enjoying a lazy Sunday afternoon at home with my family, my body decided it was high time for a trip to Labor and Delivery. Today began just as any other Sunday -- I went to church, I visited with friends, I picked up some groceries. I planned to spend the overcast afternoon parked on the couch watching rented movies. Instead, I spent the afternoon at the hospital having a most through examination. Sometimes I hate my body.

Were I anyone else with any other history, I would have still had a lazy Sunday at home, but I am me and I have an extensive history that leads me to be very aware of what should and should not happen in a pregnancy -- at least not in my pregnancy -- so today, when I had a minimal amount of bleeding, I told James it was time to head in for a check up.

We had the best L&D nurse who listed carefully and took my otherwise dismissible complaint seriously. (He even asked if I was a nurse because of my use of the "lingo" -- haha!) More importantly, he made us comfortable in a concerning situation. He checked me in, hooked me up to the monitor, and called the on-call OB in my practice who said because of my transabdominal cerclage, the on-call MFM needed to come in for a scan -- we needed his level of expertise. When the nurse called the on-call MFM, he refused to come in since I was established in another practice (forget the fact that he was on-call and it was his job). He told the nurse to keep me overnight and he might pop in to see me during his morning rounds.

(Have I ever mentioned how I really dislike doctors with God complexes?)

Instead of making me spend the night as punishment for my practice choice, the nurse had the hospital sonographer come scan my cervix, and since the on-call MFM wouldn't do his job, the on-call OB came in to review the report and complete my exam. Fortunately, James and I know enough about my girl parts that once we saw the image on the screen, we knew I was okay. I wasn't contracting or in pain. The baby was moving and had a good, reactive heart rate. My cervical length was stable and coincided with my last doctor's appointment. The cerclage was holding fine and there was no internal bleeding either in the uterus or around the cervix. The bleeding I experienced was erroneous and not a cause for continuing concern.

The OB allowed me to go home, but as a precaution, he put me on modified bedrest until I see my MFM for my regularly scheduled appointment on Wednesday morning. The doctor and I are both fairly sure the MFM will remove that restriction, particularly since my cervix is completely unchanged, still, better safe than sorry. As for my continuing care, he also said that it's really time for me to move to weekly appointments, though I'm not sure my regular OB is ready for that. I'll see what my MFM says because ultimately he has the final say when it comes to my course of care.

I am so glad to be home and not in the hospital -- even for the night. I'm thankful for our good news and that there are no immediate threats to me or the baby. I'm grateful for compassionate L&D nurses, wise doctors, and this very effective transabdominal cerclage. I'm thankful that my house is (fairly) clean, and my laundry-lovin' mama was already planning to spend the day here tomorrow. I'm thankful for a precious husband who takes excellent care of me (and the kids and the pets and the dishes). I'm extraordinarily thankful for God's mercies that are new every morning, noon and night.

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.

Lamentations 3:22-23

A View I Hope to Avoid for a Good Long While...

Cross Posted on Mandigirl Muses

Deals of the Day: Diapers and the Pink Pack-N-Play

2009-04-27T10:55:00.000-05:00

This was not a good weekend for hitting the garage sales. Our weekend schedule was already very full, so we knew we'd be limited on the amount of time we'd have available to spend out hunting for bargains. Also, both highways leading out of our neighborhood were going to be partially closed all day Saturday for a bridge repair, making traffic a beating and leaving us unwilling to be out in it. Fortunately, our neighborhood sale was this weekend, and we had the opportunity to explore the garage sale preview when James got home from work on Friday night.

For some reason, our neighborhood sale is never very good. Really, we could just skip it altogether and not feel like we missed out on anything, but with nothing else going on on Friday, it didn't hurt to drive around. As we expected, we didn't find much, and some sales were so poorly executed, we didn't even stop the car. Despite the disappointing excursion, we did pick up a few odds and ends, some books, a remote control puppy for Grace, and a super cute mini Pack-N-Play for the baby.

Pack-n-Play's have come a long way since our big kids were babies. Back then, there was a standard design, no bells and whistles, and the color selection ranged from light blue to dark blue. This little one is fairly basic with regards to the shape, but it's smaller in size than the ones we used to have -- a bonus for someone like me who prefers floor space to clutter. Plus, it's pink gingham with ruffles! Squeal!

It has a very sturdy bassinet addition that snaps in all around, instead of being perched precariously atop the unit, as were the bassinets of yore. It really has no bells or whistles to speak of (some other styles and brands have tilting mattresses, vibration settings, built-in music, etc.), but that's not a deal breaker for us. It has wheels, and a little umbrella topper, and ruffles! I was sold before I ever stepped out of the car. Better still, I brought it home, carrying case and all, for $15. Squeal!

On Saturday, we went about our day as planned and stopped at Walgreens on the way home. I picked up something in the back of the store and unintentionally cut through the baby aisle on my way to the register. There, tucked away on a bottom shelf, I noticed some Walgreens brand diapers clearanced from $4.99/pack to $1.09/pack. Without hesitation, I bought every pack available in my local store -- 19 packages in all -- and would have driven to all the neighboring Walgreens if we weren't already on a tight schedule. I spent $20.71 on diapers instead of $94.81. I saved $74.10! Though we're expecting to cloth diaper this baby, we were already planning to use disposables for those exhausting newborn days and on those occasional super-busy away-from-home days -- now we can at a discount.

Cross Posted on Mandigirl Muses

My Shoes: Thoughts on Loss and Being Pregnant Again

2009-04-21T09:38:00.001-05:00

I am a huge fan of shoes. That's not always been the case, but somewhere around age twelve or thirteen, something changed in me and I've loved shoes ever since. My mom would indulge me as best she could by buying me shoes I loved in varying colors. My first job was next door to a shoe store, which meant I brought home no money for anything else.

As I've gotten older, my shoe selection has changed. I have an array of flip-flops and Crocs. I own shoes sensible for walking long distances. I have heels chosen carefully so they don't rub blisters or cause undue pressure. I have a pair of surgical shoes I hobbled around in all last summer after hurting my desensitized feet. My shoe collection these days is not glamorous, but it is reliable, and most of all, safe.

Why such a safety girl? Last summer, I wore a pair of my favorite flip-flops to Six Flags and developed large blisters on the bottom of both of my feet. Because my feet are so insensitive, I couldn't feel the blisters developing and remained unaware until they burst and bled. I was driven out of the park on the Medic Cart (embarrassing!) and spent time in Urgent Care. Despite constant care, the wounds didn't heal well, and later, when we suspected infection, I spent time in the ER. That led to weekly appointments with the podiatrist who literally sliced away sections of my sole at every visit. He also banned me from walking as I was accustomed. He made the wounds and my entire situation worse to help my feet heal properly, and without that treatment, I was at a serious risk of loss.

I learned my lesson last summer, pain was my teacher, and now I'm very conscious about my shoe choice in relation to my environment. I take measures to protect myself and to keep myself completely intact. Though I am better and can now walk with ease, I don't ever fail to remember the situation I found myself in and the measures I can take to prevent a recurrence of that experience. That doesn't mean I spend my life in fear of hurting myself or losing my feet, it only means I'm being aware, conscious, responsible, taking measures to protect myself and to prevent a loss.

Regarding shoes, I have a pair of metaphorical shoes: the shoes of my life, the shoes only I walk in every single day. The shoes of my life are lovely indeed. They were provided by a generous Giver who knew just what I needed. There are bows and buckles right where they belong, with beautiful children, wonderful husband, and better friends than I could have ever dreamed. Financial security and a host of blessings make for a good stable fit. Varying hues are the lives I have touched and the lives that have touched mine. I could not create for myself such an amazing pair of shoes.

But the shoes of my life also represent days that are unusual and often not-so-easy. There are woes from my childhood and the days of my youth. There are family and relationship issues common to all. There's a history of pain and of grief and of loss. These are the things that rub blisters and cause scars. These are the things that, if ignored, could fester and grow infected and could lead to further pain and further loss. These are the risks of walking at all, and while the pain can be intense and inconvenient and hard to understand or take seriously, these are the moments that should never be forgotten.

For those who know me, my story of loss is well-told. We've had four first trimester losses, including a twin in this pregnancy, and I had a son, born too early, who lived on the Earth but for a moment. An interesting thing about my pregnancies is that each loss revealed an issue resolved in the next pregnancy. Were it not for my losses, there is no way I would still even be pregnant with this little girl. Medically, it has been vitally important to consider the past, and just as with my feet, I don't ever fail to remember the situations I found myself in and the measures I can take to prevent a recurrence of those experiences.

All of that to say that I got an e-mail this week that really, quite honestly, ticked me off. I know that sounds mean, but I'm just keeping it real. It came from an acquaintance of mine, really a friend of a friend, and while it was well-meaning (I'm sure), it frustrated me to no end. Here's a portion:

I have been asking God to send you a supernatural cloak of peace. May you not be moved by emotions or thoughts from your past. God is doing a new work.

Not so bad, right? No, probably not. Still, I'm irritated.

(I'm also hormonal, but that's beside the point.)

First of all, I've never been close to this e-mail sender. We're not friends now, nor have we ever truly been friends. I hear a little about her life through our mutual friend. In the same way, I'm sure she hears about me. She has had some minimal and limited involvement in my kid's lives as a nursery worker, but she's had very minimal involvement in mine. Moreover, we haven't even laid eyes on one another or spoken in two whole years. On top of that, her life has been wrought with different struggles -- never fertility issues and recurrent pregnancy losses. How, then, is she expert enough to even presume to guide me in my current situation? Who is she to tell me how to walk in my shoes when she's never tried them on for size?

If you know me in real life, if you read my blog, if you keep up with me on Twitter or on Facebook, if you pick up the phone, if you e-mail me and actually ask how I'm doing, or if you bother to actually involve yourself in my life for even one moment, you would know that while there have been times of wonder and struggle during this pregnancy, I have personally been awed by the peace that consumes my heart. I expected to be an utter wreck by now, and to my delight, I am not. Even when concerning things happen, I'm consumed by peace. That doesn't mean that I allow myself to be oblivious, or that I cancel medical treatments in the name of faith, or that I disregard what my past reveals about my present. It means that I walk out my present in light of my past trusting God all the way.

I'm twenty-four weeks pregnant now. I'm carrying a baby who could quite possibly live outside of the womb. I have reached this gestational age to my great surprise, and I do not take one ounce of the credit. God has sustained me all along. Even more surprisingly, I am this pregnant and still upright, which has never happened for me -- ever -- and that, too, is a miracle. Even with all these good things, I still walk out my present in light of my past, realizing that each moment I have with this child on the Earth is a blessing.

Babies die in the first trimester, and hearts are still broken.
Babies die in the second trimester, when all should be safe.
Babies die when they are born too early, just like Zachary.
Babies die from cord accidents all the time.
Babies are carried with the knowledge that they won't live.
Babies die for no reason at all.

Am I a fool to remember my losses and to let them influence my attitude in this pregnancy? No -- I am the wise one. These tumbles and hiccups and bumps in the night may be all I know of my daughter for many years to come. That's a truth I know all too well. These children are gifts to us, treasures, and we would all be fools to take even one portion of their existences for granted. Some people realize that without having had their hearts obliterated. My knowledge has grown deeper by walking a much harder path, still, these shoes are mine, and though they are stained and tattered and sometimes broken, I think I wear them well.

Cross Posted on Mandigirl Muses

Scoring at the Saturday Sales

2009-04-19T12:44:00.003-05:00

I love garage sale season, particularly when I have specific things to buy. Lately, I've been looking for a few baby things and some furniture to redecorate the girl's room. I found a lovely convertible crib at a thrift store a few weeks back and bought it for $27. I picked up an Arm's Reach Cosleeper (with leg extensions and two sheets -- normally nearly $200 altogether) on Craig's List last week for $20.

This weekend, I was on the hunt for a twin bed for Gracie. Gracie had a black metal-framed day bed, but for the new room decor, I wanted something in wood, not a daybed, and something in white or something that could be painted. The crib (which looks very much like this one, only without the curved back) looked more modern to me with its straight lines and wood planks, so I went out thinking that's what I was looking for. No.

We pulled up to a sale this weekend and saw the loveliest shabby chic changing table there in the driveway. It's an antique dresser that's been converted, but the conversion isn't that noticeable unless you're really looking. The tag read "$20 OBO," and the lady happily took $15. I'm not going to tell you how hard it was to fit into the back of the CR-V, particularly considering how much shopping we'd already done. Let me just tell you my husband was far more patient with me than I ever expected he would be.

James said we could not fit another thing in the car -- forget about more furniture! -- yet he stopped at one more sale. A sale that had a wood twin bed frame with a matching night stand for $7. A furniture set that had precisely the same curves and lines and shapes as the changing table stuffed in the car. James knew he was in trouble as soon as he put the car in park. He tried voicing his complaints once or twice, but knew the fight wasn't his to win. It took some maneuvering, but surprisingly, I got all the furniture in the car. I left just enough room for the kids to make their way home, and they didn't even mind how crowded it was.

I'm excited to paint the bedroom set, particularly since I just found a tutorial that should make painting those spindles quite simple. I may have to reconsider the more modern bedding set already picked out and find something more traditional, still I think it's all going to look so lovely.

Cross Posted on Mandigirl Muses

That Day and This Day

2009-04-08T18:10:00.001-05:00

On the day Zachary was born, I was twenty-two weeks and one day pregnant, which is precisely where I am in this pregnancy today.

That morning, I woke up as a patient on the antepartum wing of the hospital and was rushed to the OR for an experimental procedure in the hopes that we could rescue my child from death. This morning, I rushed out the door for an early doctor's appointment with enough spare time to grab a chicken biscuit along the way.

That morning, the procedure failed as a surprise to me and I agreed to lengthy bedrest in Trendelenburg position. This morning, I was certain that there would be another failure, leading to bedrest, and was surprised to find out I was wrong.

That afternoon, I met with the neonatologist to discuss ethics and hospital policy and decided on a timeline for life-saving measures and respite care. This afternoon, I ate tacos, had a progesterone injection, laid around on the couch and caught up on Facebook status updates.

That evening, I was sent to labor and delivery because as that day progressed, my water broke, the baby's cord prolapsed, and there was nothing more we could do to to save him. I was given Cervadil and what was left of the cerclage was removed. For some reason, American Idol was on the TV as I labored. This evening, I intend to watch American Idol with my family at home, safely and happily still pregnant.

The whole experience of losing Zachary was a whirlwind. At every turn, I remember thinking I'd get out of it somehow -- somehow everything would work out and both the baby and I would be okay. Sure, maybe I'd require all sorts of intervention, but miracles were neither impossible nor improbable. Instead, by that evening, I marveled at how tiny his perfect little body was, and by the next day, I was making arrangements with a funeral home.

After such an experience, it was no wonder that I expected there to be something wrong when I went in today for a routine ultrasound at the exact same gestational age. It's true that I've had an extraordinary amount of peace throughout this pregnancy, but when your "normal" has been something so heart-wrenching, it's difficult to change your mindset. Still, I don't even think I realized how internally convinced I was about there being problems until my sweet doctor came into the room and the tears (mine, not his) started flowing.

Today, though, was a joyous day. Instead of having my unfortunate expectations met, I was surprised to find that my pregnancy is still progressing nicely. My current miracle is ongoing. My cervix is fine and remains stable in spite of vacation walking and a sporadic seasonal allergy cough. The baby has grown and is still measuring ahead -- she's measuring over 24 weeks around her tummy, and around 23 weeks everywhere else! Today, I marveled at how big her perfect little body is, and instead of making funeral arrangements, I think it might be time to get serious about decorating the nursery.

Zachary at 22 weeks 1 day

Little Miss Priss at 22 weeks 1 day

Cross Posted on Mandigirl Muses

Twenty-One

2009-04-04T11:26:00.003-05:00

I know the title of this post seems to be a clever play on words since we just went to Vegas, but I promise this post has nothing to do with the game of Blackjack. Rather, it has to do with the fact that while we were in Vegas, I hit twenty-one weeks in this pregnancy.

From the beginning of this pregnancy, I anticipated I'd be in major freak-out mode come 21/22 weeks. In both of my pregnancies that have gone so long, twenty-one weeks is a major turning point for me. When my pregnancy with Gracie hit twenty-one weeks, my cervix began changing, I had a rescue cerclage placed, and began 15 very long weeks of bedrest. With Zachary, twenty-one weeks was the beginning of the end with a cough that wouldn't quit and a cervix that would.

Here I am again at twenty-one weeks, and surprisingly, I'm not freaking out. I am very aware of my body (I notice every twinge and tug) and I have thought of visiting the doctor a time or two for another sonogram (just out of curiosity, not out of warranted concern), but I've held steady. I've held steady primarily because I have a regularly-scheduled sonogram at 22 weeks, but moreso because I know sonogram or not, I'm completely out of control when it comes to the outcome of this pregnancy.

I'm doing everything I can to insure a healthy baby at the end. As you can imagine, I've done my research, I've asked my questions, I'm following orders. However, it's been nearly two years since Zachary died, and in those two years, I've become more aware that no matter how much a gestating mother does to insure the life of her little one, life is still fleeting and can slip through fingers when least expected.

That's not to say that I'm expecting an end to life or that I wouldn't be absolutely beside myself if it happened to me once again. I cannot imagine surviving such a loss more than once. I don't even want to think about imagining it. Still, it happens, and it's in light of that reality that I find myself completely at peace.

I'm not at peace because I know the outcome of my pregnancy. I have no idea how this journey will end. I have hope of how it will end. I'm preparing for a positive end. Still, I know no matter what, God holds both me and this wiggly baby girl in the palms of His kind and capable hands, and regardless of how our individual days are numbered, He will be faithful to care for us both.

I'm at peace because I've experienced both the miracle of life and of death. I'm at peace because I've survived. I'm at peace because I went through something so extraordinarily devastating and relied on a God who is extraordinarily faithful. He was present with me through the good moments and the bad. He carried me, He comforted me, and He personally mended my shattered heart.

"O LORD, you are my God;
I will exalt you and praise your name,
for in perfect faithfulness
you have done marvelous things..."
Isaiah 25:1

"For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be."
Psalm 139:13-16

"Blessed is the man
who makes the LORD his trust...
Many, O LORD my God,
are the wonders you have done.
The things you planned for us
no one can recount to you;
were I to speak and tell of them,
they would be too many to declare.
Psalm 40:4a-5

Cross Posted on Mandigirl Muses

I Guess I Could Post a Picture of My Cervix

2009-03-27T08:49:00.002-05:00

I went in yesterday for a checkup and a follow-up sonogram. While I have sonograms every two weeks (primarily to check cervical length), taking a peek at the baby and seeing how she's grown is always very exciting. It's amazing the difference in a gestating infant from one appointment to the next. At yesterday's appointment, though, the doctor checked my cervix -- and nothing else.

It was so frustrating to be so close and not to at least take a peek at our growing daughter. When he was examining my cervix and cerclage, I saw a little foot flash by on the screen, so I know it would have taken little more than a flick of the wrist to show us the whole baby inside. But, no -- a quick cervical check was all he was up for. Then, to make matters worse, at the end of the appointment, he handed me a picture of my cervix. Seriously? Am I supposed to add it to the scrapbook?

Anyway, moving on...

My cervix looked great on the scan and so far the transabdominal cerclage seems to be doing its job. That was especially good news since we're leaving in the morning for a long kidless weekend away. I think we were both worried that I'd be put on restriction and we'd have to cancel our trip, but not only do we not have to cancel, the trip is now physician-approved. Yay!

I think the next two or three appointments will be the most telling for me, though. My next sonogram will be at 22 weeks -- the gestational age my cervix failed during my pregnancy with Zachary, and a week later than it failed with Gracie. I'll see my perinatologist for that appointment, and fortunately, he always spends extra time answering my questions and calming my fears. The appointment after that (at 24 weeks), I'll be at technical viability, and the appointment following that (at 26 weeks), I'll be at the gestational age where we would choose life-saving measures over respite care, were I to deliver prematurely. I think after all of those visits, I may allow myself to let this pregnancy settle in. I may begin to prepare.

Speaking of preparation, I bought a crib yesterday. I'm not really ready to begin buying things for this baby -- particularly not the big-ticket items -- but we stopped by a local thrift store on the way home from a baby clothes swap with a friend, and there it was. It's a beautiful white convertible crib that I took home for $27 plus tax.

Originally, the crib was marked $44.95 (still a very good deal), but the colored sticker indicating a potential sale price was nowhere to be found. I asked an employee in the furniture department if he knew its sale status. He said it had just been put out, so it wouldn't be on sale yet, but he could let me take it home for $30. Of course I agreed, and he handed me the sales ticket marked "Crib: $29.99." At the register, they were having some random sale where mothers took an additional 10% off their total purchase, so after all the discounts, I spent $27 plus tax for the baby's new bed. I'll scrub it down when we get home from our trip, and we'll assemble it later after we find bedding and decide on room decor for the two girls.

Cross Posted on Mandigirl Muses

Wherein the Dog Caused Me to Contract

2009-03-25T19:29:00.005-05:00

I'm twenty weeks pregnant now. Here's another glorious image of my increasing roundness -- such torture to post! There's something magical about moving out of the teens and into the twenties, gestationally speaking. I feel like my pregnancy is more valid here in the twenties. Still, if I had my way, I'd fast forward through the next ten or twelve weeks. I'd like to just skip the next few months, thank you very much.

On Friday, I had a bit of a scare and considered going to Labor and Delivery. Our dog escaped out the front door (again!) and I ran out after her. I chased her a bit down the sidewalk, and as she stopped to smell a mailbox, I reached out to grab her. As my hand touched her back, she took off and pulled me down to the ground. It all happened so fast, but not fast enough that I couldn't turn mid-air to land on my side instead of hitting the sidewalk face first.

I took the impact on my hand, elbow and hip, and scraped up the side of my leg. Bub, who was chasing the dog after me, was worried, asking again and again if I was okay. The dog even knew she'd messed up and stopped running to cower. I drug her home to her crate and closed myself in my room to cry for a while. James called to tell me he was coming home early about the time I shut my bedroom door. After I answered the phone still sobbing, he's made it all the way home faster than ever.

I soaked in a warm bath to clean up and calm down, but I began contracting not long after my fall. I had five or six contractions an hour for the first couple of hours. They were obvious enough and uncomfortable enough that I considered going to L&D. However, after lots of water and plenty of rest, they went away. I had no other threatening symptoms and the baby sounded fine on the doppler, so I stayed home instead of spending the evening at the hospital. If the dog escapes again, I'm not chasing her -- she can just run until she finds herself a new home.

As for the present, I'm still taking injections to prevent preterm labor, and despite the discomfort of the shots, I'm glad they've been ordered. The nurse comes every seven days, but by day six each week, I'm having some definite uterine irritability with a contraction or two here and there. I've mentioned them to the nurse and they're very common among her other PTL patients right before injection day. I've mentioned them to my doctor and he's unconcerned, provided I'm not having five or more and hour. I'm not having even two an hour -- in fact, it's rare that I have more than three in an entire day -- and they're always resolved with water and rest. The post-fall contractions I had on Friday were two days after my injection. I can only imagine how bad they would have gotten had my uterus not been medically forced to relax.

Other than that, I have a checkup and repeat sonogram in the morning. Even though I'm scanned every two weeks, I'm still excited to have an ultrasound. Time between appointments passes so slowly. I really don't know how people have only one or two sonograms over the course of an entire pregnancy when one or two a month is still not enough! James and I are both very curious about cervical measurement since my cervix changed dramatically in both of my previous pregnancies by 21-22 weeks. I'm anxious to see this transabdominal cerclage doing its job. Updates to come...

Cross Posted on Mandigirl Muses

Halfway

2009-03-16T09:20:00.005-05:00

I'll be 19 weeks pregnant tomorrow, and that's my official halfway mark. Even though I'm still hardly willing to acknowledge I'm pregnant, at the MFM appointment last week, James had the audacity to talk birth plans with the doctor. The doctor said we'd deliver sometime between 36 and 38 weeks, provided there are no complications or hints at uterine rupture before then. He suggested an amnio around 36 weeks to check lung maturity followed by delivery if all looks well. I'm sure my OB, though, will want to wait until 38 weeks if there are no adverse symptoms (something about hospital standards). They'll work it out -- someone just needs to let me know where and when to show up.

Last night as I was praying, I realized I still feel like I'm holding my breath. Though in my heart I feel at peace, in my bones I still feel so unsure about this pregnancy. I've been working upstairs the last few days and I was walking up yesterday, I had this flashback to two years ago. Two years ago, I felt just as secure and sure of an ending, and everything I thought I knew was wrong. I felt tempted to stop what I was doing and to stick my head in the sand, but instead, I pressed on. I finished the task at hand, and I intend to continue doing that.

I will prepare for this baby instead of living in fear of what could be.
I will love her in spite of the pain it could cause.

Cross Posted on Mandigirl Muses

On Injections and Being 16 weeks Pregnant

2009-03-02T13:06:00.003-06:00

I'm now 16 weeks pregnant (17 weeks tomorrow), and am still as shocked as ever that this is my life. Please enjoy (if you can) a very rare profile picture of my ever-expanding midsection. Moving on...

I saw the doctor a couple of days ago, and while my MFM does an ultrasound at every visit, the OB didn't plan to scan me at every visit until 18 weeks. With all the early complications, I had scans at every visit, but the 16 week appointment was scheduled to be routine. Instead, I came to the appointment just sure that there had to be something wrong with my cervix. I had no actual proof that there would be anything wrong -- just an overwhelming sense of dread. 16 weeks is the magic number for a lot of people with cervical incompetence to begin having problems, and while I now have the transabdominal cerclage that should make IC irrelevant in this pregnancy, it's difficult to move out of that old mindset. This is my first second-trimester on the TAC -- I'm not used to this new normal.

When I had the TAC placed, I was the only person my OB knew who'd undergone the procedure. Nearly two years later, he has another TAC patient who is just as pregnant as I am. He didn't bat an eye when I asked to have my cervix scanned because evidently the other patient is freaking out in the same way I am. He indulged her a few days before, and he indulged me right away.

As I might have known, my cervix was fine and has lengthened even more. The baby, since she's bigger, is closer to the cerclage, but there's plenty of length on the internal os, as well as on the cervix below the cerclage. From now on, even despite the positive report, I'll be scanned at every visit. Not only is it important to continue watching the cervix and how it may or may not change as the baby gets heavier, it's also important to stay on top of potential complications that may lead to uterine rupture. The risk of uterine rupture is the primary complication with the TAC, but with close monitoring, the overall risk is actually quite minimal. And for someone like me whose cervix will not stay closed even with a cerclage, it's a risk worth taking.

Another milestone this week is the beginning of my 17P Hydroxyprogesterone injections. Progesterone injections are routinely given to women who have a short cervix or a history of cervical incompetence. They're also part of routine care in more than 60% of women with the TAC.

According to medical studies, 17P injections significantly reduce the rate of preterm delivery at less than 37 weeks' gestation, and since both children I've birthed were born before then, I'm a candidate on that basis alone. I also have a naturally short cervix, a history of cervical incompetence, and a TAC in place, and with all of that, there's no avoiding the shots.

The medication is compounded and then overnighted to me once a month. I store it and a home health care nurse comes once weekly to administer the injections. The nurse and I connected by phone today, and after talking for a bit, we both realized she's the nurse who gave me the injections for six weeks of my pregnancy with Zachary. It was so hard to hear her voice on the phone today and to schedule her for Thursdays, the same day she always gave me the shots before. So much of this current pregnancy mimics my pregnancy with Zachary, and that's just one more thing on the pile of pregnancy stress. When I hung up with the nurse, I called James to cry.

I know this pregnancy is not Zachary's pregnancy, and I know that even with some similarities, they're not necessarily destined to end the same way. I'm still struggling to determine if this current course of events is a happy coincidence or not. No matter what, it's quite hard. Obviously, I'm in the season where I'd normally begin to think about the last days before my loss. In just a few days, we'd remember the anniversary of moving into this house -- the house we bought because we were having a baby. We'd remember hearing, "It's a girl -- No wait, it's a boy!" We'd remember painting rooms and hanging baby clothes. We'd remember Easter and that dreaded, dreaded cough. In April, we'd remember going Galveston for one last getaway. We'd remember an appointment that was supposed to be uneventful and some really bad news. We'd remember attempts at salvation that didn't work out, and we'd remember that Zachary lived and then died.

Instead of having time to dwell on all those things, I'm busy being pregnant once again. I'm sleeping and eating and hunting for a heartbeat. I'm going to doctor's appointments and scheduling sibling classes and talking about baby showers with dear, dear friends. I'm growing bigger and more uncomfortable and feeling movement from time to time, and even if I somehow go all the way to my due date with this little baby, I'll face Zachary's birthday and dying day with newly-filled arms. I certainly couldn't be happier about that.

cross-posted on Mandigirl Muses

On Sleeping and Scares

2009-02-25T18:19:00.002-06:00

I was thinking back today of my previous pregnancies. When I was pregnant with Gracie, Bub was a daycare baby and I worked a full-time job. I got up every morning, packed a diaper bag, and commuted to an office in a downtown skyrise. I didn't nap. In fact, I had terrible insomnia and I hardly slept at all. Even when my pregnancy became high-risk and I was later hospitalized, I only dozed when the Phenergan kicked in.

When I was pregnant with Zachary, I had two kids in public school and I was very involved in their endeavors. We also decided the time had come to buy another house, so I toured homes through the week. We moved when I was about 15 weeks pregnant. I sorted and packed nearly all of our things on my own, we moved with minimal help, and the unpacking responsibilities were mine alone. Even then in the midst of actual physical labor, I had energy to spare.

Here I am now at 16 weeks gestation, and I can hardly keep my eyes open. I wake up from a full night's sleep still as tired as ever. At night, I fall asleep nearly as soon as my head hits a pillow. I could sleep nearly all day long if I had that kind of freedom. I thought I was supposed to have some sort of influx of energy here in the second trimester, but so far, I've had no such luck. I have rooms to redesign and rearrange, children to educate, company to host, and a life to live -- but hardly any energy to do any of those things. I'm hoping I get some rest before this baby comes.

Things could be worse, though -- I know that. My complaint is oh-so-small comparatively. In fact, last night when we used the doppler to hear the baby's heartbeat, I couldn't find it. I could hear the whoosh sound of the placenta working, but no baby. I listened in for quite some time, and after a while, I was concerned there wasn't a heartbeat to hear anymore.

James, in true form, was freaking out, wanting nothing more than to rush me to the emergency room. But I refused to go. Either there was a heartbeat and I, in a most unskilled way, couldn't find it, or the baby had died. There's nothing that can be done about that. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, so there was no reason to rush to the ER when, even if the baby had died, they wouldn't do anything before then. On that note, I went straight to sleep (my head was on a pillow, so it couldn't be helped). Poor James stayed up nearly all night long researching doppler usage and various other topics that provided no comfort.

This morning, James woke me up long before it was necessary to search for the baby once again, and sure enough, there she was in the same spot she often is. I have to admit it was so comforting hearing her heartbeat after I thought it might have been gone for good. James, though, was most relieved of all. So relieved, in fact, it was hard for me to tell if he might cry or fall asleep. I could have fallen asleep right along with him.

On Heart Dopplers and Hair Color

2009-02-18T08:53:00.004-06:00

As of yesterday, I'm now 15 weeks pregnant. I'm beginning to feel some little scratches and tickles inside from time to time. Nothing predictable, and nothing strong, but just enough that every once in a while I think, "Holy cow! There's a baby in there!" I don't think I'd normally be able to feel anything just yet, but this baby's settled in way up high in my uterus, and that's consistently where I feel the teeny-tiny nudges. I'm excited about the sporatic movement -- it makes everything feel real.

We also bought a new fetal heart doppler from a dealer on eBay. It arrived yesterday afternoon, so last night, James and I found the heartbeat (in that same way-up-high location I feel the tickles) and listened in for a while. The monitor has a display indicating the heart rate, and baby's heart rate seems to stay in that 145-160 range, just as in the doctor's office. After a couple of minutes of just listening, James decided to talk to the baby. He put his mouth to my belly and said, "Hello, baby!" At first, her heart rate rose a little to that upper range, then she took off. She moved away from the monitor and his mouth. I eventually found her heart beat again, but it sounded far away. I think if we could've seen inside, we'd have found her peeking out from behind her umbilical cord. James felt bad for scaring the baby, but I thought it was an interesting experiment. I also think it's comforting to have the doppler -- particularly when I feel bad or worried, but not so bad or worried enough to call the doctor.

Now at 15 weeks, I'm totally, completely, officially, without a doubt out of the first trimester by every standard. I'm celebrating my getting my hair colored. Gah, it's about time! About the time I thought, "I really need to go in for a touch-up," I got the positive pregnancy test, and while I'm not perfect on every pregnancy account, waiting for hair color is one thing I will do. I know it sounds so silly, but I'm so excited to go in. I have to take the kids with me, and even that doesn't damper my enthusiasm. I really should get out more.

Cross Posted on Mandigirl Muses

100 days

2009-02-12T22:48:00.002-06:00

The President gets to celebrate it, elementary school children get to celebrate it, so why shouldn't I? I'm 100 days pregnant today -- only 180 days to go!! Perhaps I should make some sort of penny sculpture à la Truman now -- or maybe a sculpture of positive pregnancy tests. I probably took about 100 of them this time around.

Dancing Along: Reporting on my 14 week Scan

2009-02-11T16:43:00.004-06:00

Baby Girl at 14 Weeks
L to R: Baby head facing out, Arms bent at elbows with hands by ears, Well-endowed tummy

I saw the perinatologist today for my 14 week check-up and sonogram, and everything looks great. The baby measures 2-3 days ahead on all body parts, and a week ahead on length. Early ultrasounds are more accurate for dating and were spot on with my cycle dates, so the due date won't be changed by the current measurements. I guess it still holds true that I just make big babies. (Both Gracie and Zachary also measured ahead.)

As with my previous pregnancies, I've gained no weight in my first trimester. In fact, I've lost eight pounds since my first appointment. Because I have lots of poundage to spare and because baby looks good, that's not a matter for concern. I just too often have no interest in eating, or when I do have an interest in eating, I can never eat as much as I think I can without throwing up. That, or I prepare a meal for my family that suddenly disgusts me, and I'm too tired to make something new for myself, so I just eat a few carrots or crackers or go without eating anything at all. I need to be more proactive about having some non-nauseating food options ready and on-hand, but I need energy for that and I'm still waiting for that second trimester benefit to kick in.

Anyway, the appointment yesterday went really well. My cervix is still stable and has gotten even longer, and the baby is way up high. After waiting for the cord to move and for our little boogie baby (yes, still dancing all over) to slow down, the doctor was able to get two really good clear shots to show us that this baby is 100% girl. No doubt about it.

My doctor also spent a good bit of time talking about next steps and the long-term, and though that was all good stuff, it was a bit hard to process. It was hard to hear him talk about what to do eight days before delivery when I'm still thinking, "Wait, I'm pregnant?" As a planner extraordinaire, I'm ~~thinking~~ hoping this inhibition will pass with time.

Though it's not possible for me to plan for the future this early in the game, I had no reservations about doing a little celebratory shopping, picking up a "Sweet Baby Girl" wall hanging and the tiniest pair of silver dancing slippers.

Sweet Baby Girl

Silver Dancing Slippers

Cross-posted at Mandigirl Muses

Good Riddance, First Trimester!

2009-02-05T18:41:00.002-06:00

I'm 13 weeks and two days pregnant. There's a debate on when the second trimester officially starts. When I was pregnant with Gracie way back when, the second trimester began when the 12th week of pregnancy was over. Now, the 14th week is thrown into the mix for some strange reason. I heard from someone that her midwife said 14 weeks is now the number because the chance of loss is still high until that week is over. On the other hand, I've heard as soon as you hear that heartbeat, your particular chance of loss falls to less than 5%.

Because no one can give us a reasonable answer, James decided the second trimester begins at 13 weeks and 3 days. That's tomorrow for me, so today is the very last day in this roller-coaster first trimester. Goodbye, and good riddance!

To celebrate the end of the first trimester, I began throwing up. I'm a real party animal. Today, after Bible Study, I stopped by Kroger to pick up a few missing dinner ingredients. I was scheduled to make dinner for a family at our church who recently had twins. I'd been fine all morning, and felt fine in the store, but all of a sudden, while picking out a brand of shredded cheese, I became suddenly very nauseated.

Historically, I like to mix things up a bit by skipping the nausea in the first trimester and moving it to the second and beyond, but nausea for me does not always mean vomiting. It just means misery. I thought that might have been what this was -- by body moving on. I stood very still for a moment to see if it would pass. When it didn't, I thought I'd better scope out the closest restroom (while noting trash cans along the way).

As soon as I spotted the bathroom, I knew I had no hope. I hustled my confused children into the bathroom, and as I waved their questions away, I looked for an opening in the stalls. Both stalls looked full from the front, and I couldn't bend to look underneath without expelling my breakfast. Gracie thought to push on the door of a stall she saw was empty. No sooner did I hang up my purse and hit my knees than I began puking again and again.

The kids were outside of the stall, peering through the cracks, worrying themselves sick. "Are you okay mom?" they asked. "Is the baby okay?"

"Yes, kids," (barf) "Sometimes when a mommy (puke) has a baby in her tummy (ralph), the baby makes the mommy (hurl) throw up. (blech) I'll be just fine."

The lady in the stall next to me wasn't just fine, though. She finished up her business and hurried out the door. I peeled myself off the Kroger bathroom floor, cleaned myself up and finished up my grocery shopping, sipping a cold 7up along the way. I came home hoping it would pass, but it hasn't. I've been throwing up more this evening. Gracie also has become sick with a tummy ache and a low-grade fever.

So, now it doesn't seem that this is my body acknowledging the second trimester. Instead it's some nasty bug doing its best to get out. Needless to say, we cancelled our plans to take dinner to our friends. I've also cancelled our plans to attend a homeschool swimming event in the morning. If I feel tomorrow like I do right now, there's a very good chance I'll spend much of the day lying very, very still. Here's hoping whatever this is passes quickly, and that I have enough Phenergan to get me through!

Still Pregnant: Reporting on my 12 week Scan

2009-01-29T11:04:00.008-06:00

I'm 12 weeks and two days pregnant. Unbelievable. Yesterday, I had my regular 12 week OB check-up, along with the nuchal translucency test, and all was well. The baby was measuring right on track, had a healthy heartbeat, and passed the NT test with flying colors.

I wish I had a better sonogram picture to share. The ultrasound machine at my OB's office is old school. It gets the job done, but that's about it. The machine at the MFM's office is so advanced, it not only takes clear, gorgeous pictures, it might have a setting to read the baby's mind. Instead of having a beautiful picture to share of a sweet baby face, I have instead a grainy picture of an alien trying to consume me from the inside out. What a special memory. Oh well. It could certainly be worse.

Back to the sonogram: it took a while to get a good read on the NT test, which concerned me. I'd come in concerned since my last scan was at the hospital -- I was concerned we'd come in and see no heartbeat. After all, I was 12 weeks along, and I just don't get that far. Instead, we saw a heartbeat right away, and a baby who was as vigorous and active as before. So vigorous, in fact, that it kept turning spine up, thus preventing the sonographer from getting a good read on the nuchal fold. The sonographer tried and tried to get a good image, then she left the room to have me get up and move around. She tried different probes, had me roll onto my hips, even suggested a hand stand. Finally, at the very end of a very long appointment, the baby turned and the sonographer was able to get three good measurements.

For those who don't know, the nuchal translucency test is a fairly standard test for women at 12 weeks gestation that helps to determine the odds of having a baby with Down's Syndrome. The sonographer measures a little pocket of fluid in the baby's cervical spine, as well as the length of the nasal bone. Babies with Down's Syndrome generally have a shorter (or missing) nasal bone and that pocket of fluid at the nuchal fold is wide and easy to spot. Along with the sonogram, a panel of blood work is run.

These tests don't guarantee anything either way. Everything could look normal when there is a chromosomal abnormality, or the results could look daunting when everything is really fine. This test just helps to determine the odds of a problem, and since (based on age) I was already at a low risk of having a baby with Down's Syndrome, the positive outcome of this test just makes my chances that much more favorable. For that, I am grateful. It's nice -- really, really nice -- to have these instances of great news.

During yesterday's scan, the sonographer even took the time to determine the sex of the baby. The sex organs, while tiny, are generally visible by 12 weeks. Many sonographers won't bother looking this early because mistakes are easily made, but our sonographer was probably more agreeable because she had to have me do so much to take care of her end of the appointment! She showed us two little lines parallel to one another and said, in general, when they're in this formation, it indicates a girl. (A little boy has lines perpendicular to each other.) It's far too soon to buy anything in pink, but it's exciting to have an idea! I have repeat sonograms scheduled at 14 weeks, 18 weeks, and 20 weeks, so hopefully after a little more looking around, we'll feel good to make the call official.

In the meantime, I'm in this very surreal state. The doctor made the comment yesterday about the first trimester being over (though I don't think it officially is until week 13-14), and I'm just astounded to be at this stage. Because of my history, and particularly because of the scares early on in this pregnancy, I honestly did not anticipate making it this far. Could it be that my chances of bringing home a living, breathing baby have increased exponentially? I really do know to much for my own good and know that there's never a time in pregnancy (or in life, really) to take anything for granted, but I also know that statistically, my chances look really good now. Again, unbelievable.

At this point, my prenatal care becomes more routine -- well, routine for me anyway. I'll rotate biweekly between my OB/GYN and my MFM for check-ups and sonograms. Even with the transabdominal cerclage in place, my cervix will still be visually monitored and measured. (However, with that cerclage in place, the pressure of the pregnancy should be dispersed in the uterus among the tendons and above my cervix. As a result, my cervix should hold up just fine.) I'll likely begin the 17P hydroxyprogesterone injections at 16 weeks to stave off any pre-term labor. Other than that, no bedrest is anticipated, and there's a really good chance this could be a normal-ish pregnancy. God has been truly gracious towards me.

"Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you;
He rises to show you compassion."

Isaiah 30:18

"The LORD, the LORD, the compassionate and gracious God,
slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness..."

Genesis 34:6b

"The LORD is gracious and righteous;
our God is full of compassion."

Psalm 116:5

"...You are a gracious and merciful God."

Nehemiah 9:31b

Then Esau looked up and saw the women and children.
"Who are these with you?" he asked.
Jacob answered, "They are the children
God has graciously given your servant."

Genesis 33:5

Cross-posted on Mandigirl Muses

I'm Feeling Much Better Now...

2009-01-20T09:44:00.008-06:00

By Sunday morning, I wasn't bleeding anymore. I was back to spotting in the same way I had been for two weeks prior. There were no more clots and no new symptoms. I only felt completely confused about Saturday's experience. I spent the morning laying in bed with James, recalling the experience and making fun of him for running around the parking lot as he did. I already know how terrible I am for making fun of a man who loves me so and who was doing his best to take care of me, but in retrospect, he looked hilarious. Plus, it was nice to look back and laugh when we really felt like crying.

Mid morning, James began to ready himself to pick up the kids from Mom's house, and I decided to ride along. We made plans to stop at IHOP for omelets on the way. As we sat in the restaurant lobby waiting for our table, my OB/GYN came through the door. He was working at the hospital across the street, and while waiting for a birth, he decided to come have some breakfast. Since I'd paged him on the way to the hospital on Saturday, he was already familiar with the day's events. Then, the hospital called him again before my discharge to update him further. As we waited for our tables, we talked about the rest of Saturday and about how I was feeling right then. Even as we talked and he could see our faces and hear the emotion in our voices, what completely rocked our world left him totally unmoved. "I think everything's going to be fine," he said.

Sunday was indeed fine -- the spotting slowed as the day went on. I spent all day Monday on my feet helping out at an outreach event at our church, and the spotting slowed to nothing. When I called the OB's office on Monday to follow-up, Dr. K said he felt secure to not see me until my scheduled appointment on the 28th. Today, everything is fine still.

I've been back on the progesterone supplement since Saturday, but tonight is the night I skip a dose. I'm a little concerned about what tomorrow will be like, but hopefully, whatever was there lingering has already been completely resolved. The sonogram indicated nothing to be concerned about -- the pregnancy looked fine and the environment looked fine, so I'm hanging onto that. Still, prayers (lots of prayers) are greatly appreciated.

By the way, I'm 11 weeks pregnant today. This is the longest and the most eventful first trimester known to man. At least to any man we know.

Random Thoughts (by James)

2009-01-18T22:12:00.003-06:00

Are all pregnancies as crazy as all of ours have been?
I witnessed Amanda at her finest last night. She is no doubt the strongest person I know. In the midst of what we thought would be a tragedy, she remained calm, collected, hopeful, and thankful to be a child of God.
I think our baby was break dancing last night.
I witness my wife drink a half gallon of Orange Juice this morning in less than 15 minutes.
Where did this "plum-sized" clot come from?
Bub last night, "I really thought this one was going to work out since it was going so well."
When do we officially start the 2nd trimester? I say 13 weeks 3 days.
Bub is sick today. Puked all over the bedding aisle at Babies R Us this afternoon, followed by a vomit session in the car."
Amanda thinks we should schedule a baby shower at Gatti Town. Funny wife that I have.
I spoke to 3 RNs, an Ultrasound tech, and 1 ER doc last night. None of them had heard of a heterotopic pregnancy.
I think the same medical personal I spoke to last night were quietly impressed by both Amanda and my knowledge of "pregnancy speak".
Waiting in the ER makes me feel like I am the same setting as buying a car.
Why is it so hard to think of names for the baby that we can agree upon?
I almost had 3 wrecks trying to drive Amanda to the hospital last night.
Amanda wanted a chicken drumstick from Popeye's last night. I would have driven to get her one if they had been open.

And Now We Can't Go Back to Gattitown...

2009-01-17T22:23:00.007-06:00

On and off for the last couple of weeks, I've struggled with pretty constant spotting. It's primarily been the brownish-colored spotting that's often attributed to residual implantation bleeding, so there wasn't a great deal of concern on the part of my care team. Additionally, I'd had ultrasounds while the spotting was ongoing, and since the baby was always growing well and seemed stable, and since there were often signs of blood around the deteriorating ectopic twin, my doctors felt that the spotting was normal and not worrisome.

When the spotting began, my OB/GYN suggested doubling my progesterone supplement as a precaution, and my MFM prescribed an antibiotic to ward off bacterial infection. Despite these additions, the spotting continued and I became used to it. We just decided I was a "spotter," as some women are.

On Tuesday, when I hit ten weeks gestation, my OB's nurse instructed me on the plan to begin weaning me off of the progesterone supplements. Hormone supplements have to be reduced slowly, so I was told, beginning Tuesday, to move from two tablets per day to one tablet per day for three days. On Friday, I wasn't to take anything. Saturday, take one a day for three more days, skip, take it for two days, skip, and so on. I began following the instructions with minimal stress and noticed as my supplements decreased, so did my spotting.

On Thursday, I went to the lab for my last blood draw to monitor my progesterone levels. I stopped at a bakery on the way to bring cookies to the women who've taken such good care of me. They celebrated the milestone of my last test with me and seemed excited that I'd made it as far as I had. One woman even shouted, "Thank you, Jesus!" there in the lab with other clients waiting to be drawn. On Thursday evening and all day on Friday, I experienced no spotting at all. It felt like things were continuing to come together for me -- that I was "normal" after all!

I still had no spotting this morning, and this afternoon at Bub's basketball game, I jokingly mentioned to James that because of the lack of the spotting, something must certainly be wrong. Again, I was absolutely kidding, but I'd grown so accustomed to what would be abnormal in another woman's pregnancy being acceptable in my own.

After the game, we spent some time running a few errands and went to dinner at Gattitown. We thought it'd be fun to take the kids to a pizza buffet and let them go willy-nilly on the video games. We ate our crummy, overpriced pizza and watched a little Kung Fu Panda in the Theatre Room. After we finished our dinner, we stood to head to the arcade and a really good day suddenly went bad.

When I stood, I knew I was passing a large clot. Everything felt very similar to my experience losing Ainsley -- when I passed clot after clot and pools of blood until I lost consciousness and was told I was close to not making it through. There we were in a child wonderland far from my doctor and chosen hospital and I knew my uterus was about to explode.

As I was rushing to the bathroom, and I thought I made it clear to James that something was very wrong. I guess I didn't. By the time I made it 40 feet from the Theatre Room into the bathroom, I'd passed two large clots and was absolutely covered in blood.

I stood there shaking in the bathroom stall, wondering if I should scream for James to call an ambulance, or if I was okay to make it to the hospital in our car. I decided against an ambulance. The clots weren't coming as quickly as they had with Ainsley, so I thought I could make it in the car a few miles. I stepped out of the bathroom, obviously in distress, clothes covered in blood, to find James lounging on a bench with the kids nowhere to be found.

James immediately recognized my distress, jumped up, and began rounding up the the children. I was afraid to move, afraid to leave a pool of blood where I stood, afraid to be noticed, afraid to get worse. Gracie accidentally locked herself in a bathroom stall, Bub was full of questions, the manager noticed me and thought all the blood meant a certain lawsuit, and James ran to the parking lot to get the car, leaving us all behind. I huddled the children out the door to find James actually running through the lot, having forgotten that we'd parked right in the front.

Because we were east of my Mom's Home Depot heading west to the hospital, we called her to keep the kids. At the hospital, they took me into Triage right away, and when my pulse rate went from 100 resting to 140 standing, they rushed me back to a room to push IV fluids. They drew a large vial of blood and had me wait two hours for the sonographer. I noticed as I waited that the bleeding didn't continue, but I dismissed it, sure the plum-sized clots meant I'd already miscarried.

When the sonographer arrived, I updated her on the whole heterotopic thing and asked her to not only check my uterus, but also that crazy left ovary. She began her exam, and right away, we noticed my uterus wasn't as empty as we convinced ourselves it would be. Still, all we saw at that moment was a shadow and a spine, so though there was a body, there surely couldn't be a heartbeat... could there?

She rolled around, checking out the environment, and returned to my uterus. Not only was there a baby there in my uterus, there was a baby with a heartbeat. There was a baby with a heartbeat dancing around so vigorously it was nearly doing the Cabbage Patch. A baby who at 10 weeks 4 days measured in at 11 weeks. My uterus looked fine with no evidence of fluid. My cervix was long and closed with no fluid inside.

The clotting is officially unexplainable, but there is no evidence of it coming from my uterus. I have theories about the release of the blood from the ectopic being delayed by my high levels of supplementation, but really, it could have come from any old thing. My pulse rate regulated after the IV fluids, and I was sent home to follow-up with the doctor on Monday. Since arriving home, the bleeding has begun again, but it's lighter and likely related to the aggressive exam today. I've not passed any more clots, and I have no pain or cramping or any other sign often associated with miscarriage. On this side of today, I really feel very little concern.

I'm taking it easy tomorrow, planning a day at home on my left side. Unless my symptoms change significantly, I'll connect with my OB/GYN on Monday for a repeat ultrasound. Fortunately, mercifully, miraculously, our big, exciting day was all for naught -- I'm still pregnant and my baby is still growing. Though we may never be able to go back to Gattitown again, I can't thank God enough.

There Must Be a Mistake

2009-01-16T21:57:00.003-06:00

I'm at 10 1/2 weeks gestation today. 10 1/2 weeks. I keep looking at the calendar thinking there must have been some sort of mistake. Part of me thinks when I go to the doctor for my next appointment, the nurse will look at my chart and tell me it's all been a big misunderstanding.

Now, I know that's not possible. I've had too many of that sort of exam to know none of this is imaginary, but still, I am in awe to be this far along with minimal complications. Were it not for the whole heterotopic pregnancy issue, this would be a normal pregnancy. That never happens to me!

My progesterone level has remained stable throughout this first trimester. James and I can't help but analyze everything, and we're really wondering if my successful levels are related to the blood thinner I've been taking all this time. Normally, my natural progesterone level is around 10-11 because of my short luteal phase. I then take 300 mg of Prometrium every day, plus 50 mg of a compounded progesterone supplement. Normally, I'm dosed three times every day. Throughout this pregnancy, I've taken one 200 mg tablet of progesterone (except for the time span between 8-10 weeks where I took two per day as a precaution), and my levels have ranged between 21-46. I've never been above 15-16, even with triple supplementation!

When I last miscarried, my MFM suggested I may have some sort of blood clotting issue. While two panels of blood work for common clotting issues have come back normal, he's had me taking a low-dose baby aspirin since my positive pregnancy test -- just to be safe. Since taking the baby aspirin, my hormone levels and fetal growth levels have been better than ever, and I can't help but think there's a connection -- particularly when I commonly miscarry at 8 1/2 weeks when the placenta begins to grow and tap into my blood supply. At that point, a healthy blood flow matters.

Regardless of the medical reason this pregnancy is progressing well, I am so grateful. I know every day is God's miracle, a gift to me. I don't take anything for granted. I still feel overwhelmed by peace. Thank you, Abba Father.

Sometimes, I Really Can't Stand People...

2009-01-16T20:03:00.002-06:00

Article: Judge To Decide Whether Tortured Baby is Allowed to Die

Cravings, and Other Ramblings on Food

2009-01-14T11:34:00.004-06:00

All Things Citrus Make Me Happy

I'm fortunate in that I don't generally experience morning sickness when pregnant. What I do struggle with is a serious aversion to food, and if this pregnancy ends up being like my pregnancies with Gracie and Zachary, that won't end after the first trimester.

So far, I've struggled to eat meat or nearly any sort. I'm affected by the smell, the taste, and the texture, so it's a no-win situation on all accounts. I can eat sandwiches with small portions of meat in them, like a chicken salad sandwich or a deli sandwich from Potbelly's. I can sometimes eat meat overcome by some kind of carbohydrate, like fajitas or a meat-in-rice casserole. Right now, though, I would totally throw up if I tried to choke down a chunk of pot roast. I have other random aversions generally related to smell or texture, but meat is the only predictable thing.

Cravings have been minor, really, and rare. I've really been enjoying all things citrus lately. I've been drinking more milk than I normally would. James had to make a cheesecake run this week. The best thing ever is when I find a food I've been craving on mark-down. For example, on Wednesday I ate nearly an entire carton of strawberries on my own. On Thursday, I went back to the store for more and found that several of the cartons had just been marked down to $1.00 each. I bought six pounds (six pounds!) of strawberries and now on Friday, we have a little less than three pounds left.

Back From the Past

2009-01-12T22:52:00.003-06:00

Today, as I sat having my blood drawn for the millionth time, the phlebotomist asked me why my doctor sends me in for lab work every three days. I explained my doctor's caution by telling her of my normally short luteal phase and the resulting low progesterone levels that have ended three of the six pregnancies I've had. Before I finished speaking, familiarity shadowed her face.

"I lost a baby once -- at sixteen weeks," she said. "I was in maternity clothes and everything."

There she stood in her middle age, in her workplace, drawing blood from my arm, and she couldn't find her way back from the past.

Because I'm Not Immune to Melting Down

2009-01-11T21:09:00.007-06:00

Last night, I had a major meltdown. I'm sure a good bit of my emotional outburst was induced by my currently raging hormones, but I had a moment of being completely overwhelmed.

With lots of crying.
Along with some snot.

First, I should say that I have an incredible sense of peace about this pregnancy. I don't necessarily know what to predict as far as an outcome goes. I'm hopeful that we'll come home with a baby in July or August, but I know whichever way the tide turns, God is faithful and He will sustain me. To clarify, I don't feel an imminent sense of doom, and I don't necessarily feel like I'm going to have another miscarriage. I really just feel sort of ambivalent about this pregnancy, disconnected -- like it's something that's happening to me instead of really being a part of me, a part of who I am, a part of my core makeup. I find that I'm excited with reservation, hopeful with a healthy dose of reality, and most of all, confident that my strength lies outside of my own abilities -- regardless of what outcome befalls me.

But last night, this whole pregnancy "situation" just sort of overtook me.

I'm a very self-reliant person, but because of lifting restrictions, I now have to wait for James to unload the groceries, move bins of Christmas decorations into the garage, and do various other sorts of suburbany feats of strength. I suddenly felt overwhelmed by my new found "disability," as well as the dishes, the laundry, the decluttering, and the newly-spayed dog pinned in her crate. I felt overwhelmed by kids making messes and needing snacks and being sick. I felt overwhelmed by appointments and practices and play dates and lesson plans and wondering how it would all work if tragedy should strike.

And then I felt overwhelmed by how it would all work if tragedy didn't strike -- if, say in 6 months or so, I brought home a squirmy little person who would need lots of me in the midst of kids making messes and needing snacks and lesson plans and having play dates and practices and appointments. How would all that work then? Could I hold it together? Could I keep all the plates spinning? And if not, which plates would fall? Could I or could I not do it all?

Then I felt guilty. I felt overwhelmed by guilt because I felt so overwhelmed in the first place. I felt guilty because my emotions absolutely seemed like a lack of trust in what God can and will do in my life, and in this situation, however it goes. I felt guilty because I knew how extraordinarily terrible I would feel if I did indeed miscarry -- like I'd wished the whole thing on myself.

Rationally, I know this is a season, but emotionally, I was momentarily consumed. I know as far as my new "disability" goes, I'm sacrificing so little for the potential of such reward. It's just that I'm in those weird weeks of waiting -- those weeks where I feel okay physically, but I don't really feel anything else. Since I'm not yet far enough along to feel the baby moving, it's all still so abstract, and that makes me feel like I'm not pulling my weight around the house or in life in general. May this be a time that I look to the Lord for the simplest of needs, and may God meet me at even my basest place.

"But may all who seek you
rejoice and be glad in you;
may those who love your salvation
say continually, "Great is the LORD!"
As for me, I am poor and needy,
but the Lord takes thought for me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
do not delay, O my God!"
Psalm 40:16-17

"And this same God who takes care of me
will supply all your needs..."
Philippians 4:19a NLT

Cross-posted on Mandigirl Muses

Monday's Numbers, Again

2009-01-07T18:18:00.001-06:00

The nurse called this morning with the results of Monday's lab work. My progesterone level was at 46.5!! I have NEVER had results like that, ever! It makes me feel good about weaning off of the progesterone supplements next week. I can't believe it's that time already.

And now I'm stressed out...

2009-01-06T16:48:00.003-06:00

I've been handling medical crises with ease, but I just announced my pregnancy on Twitter and Facebook, and now I'm sick with worry. I've had no morning sickness to speak of, but now I feel like I could easily throw up. What's wrong with me?

The Roughest Week Wasn't So Bad

2009-01-05T17:49:00.005-06:00

Week 8 of pregnancy is always our worst. Two of our four losses have happened at this particular gestational stage -- at 8 1/2 weeks to be precise. But I'll be 9 weeks pregnant tomorrow, and all is well. My progesterone levels are holding steady (with a result of 23.6 from Friday's draw), a baby still growing 2 days ahead of schedule (by today's scan), and a heartbeat of 184. I'm really so surprised. It's nearly like I'm a normal human being.

Emotionally, things were a bit harder this week. During week 7, I was miserable physically -- so miserable, I was sure I was miscarrying -- yet my ultrasound showed everything to be well. During week 8, I felt great physically and was certain that meant the baby's heart had stopped and I'd had a missed miscarriage. Fortunately, I couldn't have been more wrong and the baby is just fine. I suppose my physical well-being is a bonus, not a bad omen. I really should just embrace how I feel physically and take advantage of my need for a good long nap.

I'm still dealing with intermittent brown spotting, but at my appointment today, Dr. T (my MFM) was unconcerned. The spotting could be related to the ectopic pregnancy still being reabsorbed (it's smaller now and the yolk sac is flattening). It could be implantation bleeding just slow to release. It could be anything really, but nothing to be concerned about at this stage. He did prescribe a Grade B antibiotic to ward off any bacterial infections that may result from the spotting, but it's more of a precaution than a need. Dr. T just doesn't want there to be any irritation around my cervix, and an infection would be an irritant.

Not one person on my care team is willing to take any risks with this pregnancy, and I'm really so glad -- no, grateful -- for such conscientiousness.

I really am so surprised to be at 9 weeks. I've only ever been this far along with Gracie and Zachary. Being at this stage nearly makes me feel ready to make the public announcement. Nearly.

Even Strangers Concede...

2009-01-01T09:13:00.002-06:00

James is working on a search for an MFM/Perinatologist in Wisconsin. When following up with his client yesterday, an OB who serves as president of the group, he shared our recent obstetrical experiences by e-mail. (They'd talked about the fact I was expecting when they met recently, so James caught him up on the heterotopic pregnancy and its progress.) James thought his response was hilarious, but I'm not sure I agree:

WOW !!

You could get an entire high risk OB education with your wife. I have seen alot, including abdominal cerclage, etc. I can truly say I have never seen or known anybody with heterotopic pregnancy. Thank goodness it has resolved without surgery.

Have a peaceful New Year,

Herb

On Growing, Collapsing, and the Grace of God

2008-12-30T14:07:00.006-06:00

Today, we had a follow-up sonogram after a few scary, sketchy days. We were warned at the last two sonograms to anticipate fluctuating hormone levels as Baby B began to deteriorate, but when we watched my progesterone level drop from 35 to 20, we were really concerned. Particularly, when the drop came with several days of intermittent spotting.

Over the last three blood draws, the climb in my HCg level slowed remarkably going from 25,009 to 30,055 to 37,969. Again, such a change was predicted -- even a drop was mentioned -- but to watch what should be a predictor of health slug by was worrisome. The doctor, though, is wholly unconcerned. In fact, at my exam he was nearly celebratory, even pumping his fists in the air, saying "Yay!"

As a precaution with regards to the declining progesterone level, and maybe to shut me up, Dr. K (my OB/GYN) doubled the supplement I'm taking. Really, I'm not sure that he anticipated a 15 unit drop in four days, and since I'm at the stage where historically my levels bottom out and cause a miscarriage, I think he's either unwilling to take a chance, or more willing to appease me. Regardless of his motive, I'm grateful that he's so conservative and not willing to take one change lightly. In two weeks, the placenta should be fully functional and I'll begin weaning off the supplements completely, moving back down to one per day, then one every other day, and so on. Two weeks more seems like a lifetime.

At today's scan, we were all able to see that Baby B's gestational sac is making clear progress in deterioration. Dr. K recalled the last results on his computer and reviewed Dr. T's images, and was confident that our worries have decreased. He had a difficult time getting clear measurements because the edges of the gestational sac show signs of bleeding (which is likely related to my increased spotting) and are hazy with debris as it collapses in on itself. He said there is still a chance of ovarian rupture until the gestational sac is completely gone, and advised me to take pain on the left side or increased bleeding seriously. Dr. T (my MFM/Perinatologist) will follow up in a week, but based on the rate of deterioration since Wednesday, Dr. K wondered if he would see anything at all. We'll know for sure in six days.

Seeing how the sac had deteriorated was rather bittersweet. We're so pleased I don't have to have surgery at this stage and risk the life of Baby A, but at the same time, watching something so lovely disappear is disheartening -- especially when Dr. K was able to identify the location where the fetal pole (heartbeat) likely began and ended.

To clarify, though, we are not ungrateful. It is such a relief to be at this stage growing a baby that is safely implanted high above my cervix -- a baby who has a strong and healthy heartbeat and who is now measuring three days ahead of schedule. It is such a relief to not be forced into deciding to kill one baby to hopefully save another, while really risking both. It's a relief now to imagine that my pregnancy could become very much like a normal pregnancy, and that there could be days ahead absent of questions and concerns. Based on the fact that we've seen a healthy heartbeat and accurate growth now four times, there's a very good chance the day will come that we'll bring home another baby.

Our Heavenly Father has been far more gracious to us than we could have every hoped He would be. We are awed by His mercy, and we are humbled by His love for us. Saying "Thank You" for all this is just not enough...

On Indiscretion and Disappointment

2008-12-27T15:02:00.006-06:00

Despite our news on Christmas Eve, we had a lovely, low-key holiday. It's still nice to have this sweet secret, though I'm quite sure it's not much of a secret anymore. At James' urging, I mentioned this pregnancy to a handful of people, who have shared our news with another handful of people, and now, following a few unexpected conversations and e-mails, I'm not sure we have news left to share. I'm beginning to wish I would have held firm to my original plan of not telling a soul until I was scheduled to give birth.

My complaint is not necessarily about the fact that people know of our pregnancy. It's more about the fact that we weren't given the chance to make the announcement we wanted to make when we reached a point where we felt safe and comfortable discussing our progress. I'm hurt that people I love and trust could disregard me so completely, just for a juicy bit of gossip. I'm frustrated that I now have to deal with people who have no idea what they're talking about sharing their unwelcome opinions. I'm sad that I have to deal with others so scornful I can nearly feel their negative energy burning through my chest. Knowing that others I wouldn't normally welcome near a more vulnerable me share in my news adds a burden I absolutely didn't want or expect to deal with.

I don't feel ecstatic about this pregnancy, but rather reservedly hopeful at best.
I'm a long way from being "safe," and I'm afraid of this 7-9 week range.
If I lose this pregnancy now, exactly what I hoped to avoid by keeping things a secret is guaranteed to crash down on me.

That disappoints me deeply.

Gone for Good

2008-12-24T16:22:00.002-06:00

The sonogram today confirmed Baby B is gone for good. While there was no notable deterioration in the gestational sac at this point, there was no growth to speak of and still no heartbeat. Based on blood levels and scan results, it's probable that the baby died sometime between Thursday and Monday.

My perinatologist brought two colleagues into the room during today's scan, and their consensus was not to recommend surgery at this point, but rather to continue the watchful wait. There is still a risk of ovarian rupture, but the growth level of the gestational sac between Monday and today was minimal. As a result, a rupture is not necessarily anticipated.

Despite having another baby we won't meet until Heaven, we're so grateful for today's news. If a heartbeat would have been present in Baby B today, my OB would have pushed for surgery to remove the ectopic pregnancy, and general anesthesia in the first trimester could be damaging -- even fatal -- to Baby A in my uterus. Also, by waiting and allowing the baby to be slowly reabsorbed, its corpus luteum will continue benefit the overall pregnancy. The doctors plan to rotate weekly scans until Baby B is completely gone.

Monday's Numbers

2008-12-23T11:02:00.002-06:00

After Monday's exam, my biweekly blood draw was done at the office. My HCg levels were 25,009. Progesterone was at 35.4. To me, those HCg levels indicate that the twin has indeed died, though the upcoming scan will be necessary to verify. The progesterone level is unbelievable. I've never, ever had such high or healthy levels.

Though I'm disappointed to have lost another baby (and a twin, particularly), its presence in my body has very probably helped its sibling survive. By having ovulated twice, and by having two corpora lutea, the progesterone level I've achieved very probably will push me into the second trimester. For that, I'm extraordinarily grateful.

Collecting My Thoughts

2008-12-23T09:03:00.004-06:00

I've had the information about the condition of our pregnancy for about 24 hours now, and I think it would be a good time to collect some of my thoughts. I still feel stunned and disappointed by the news. I was hopeful yesterday's scan would bring clarity -- one or two, healthy or not. Instead, I have more questions than ever. I'm frustrated at the timing of the news here at Christmastime. Where I felt excited and happy, I now feel concerned and distracted. I'm also no longer allowed to leave town, so the plans to see my family have been completely cancelled.

But all of those are small things compared to my health and the health of this pregnancy and these babies.

First to explain, a heterotopic pregnancy is not a vanishing twin pregnancy. A heterotopic pregnancy is a combination intrauterine and ectopic pregnancy. Heterotopic pregnancies are somewhat common in women who have IVF, but spontaneous heterotopic pregnancies are more rare. A heterotopic pregnancy most commonly includes an ectoptic pregnancy in the fallopian tube. A pregnancy anywhere else -- the cervix, the ovary, or the abdominal cavity -- is less common.

It's true that the twin in my ovary could deteriorate if it has indeed died, but there's a chance that it might live. If the baby lives, the pregnancy could become quite dangerous, potentially killing the baby growing in my uterus, ending my chance at further reproduction, even leaving my life at risk. If the baby dies, well, that's another baby gone.

God is a God of miracles, but in this situation, it's hard to know how to pray.

That Which I Don't Understand (by James)

2008-12-23T07:51:00.006-06:00

I am sitting in dark, cold hotel room in Grand Rapids. Michigan, trying to make sense of the recent developments of the pregnancy. I'm confused. I'm not sure what to pray for or even how to pray. It all seems surreal. The odds of a heterotopic pregnancy with one of the twins in the ovary is so rare. Yet, this is where we find ourselves.

I'm ready to get back home and be with Amanda and just hold her and love her and tell her how proud I am of her for being strong and fully relying on God. The same God who has brought us out of tough situations before will do the same again. No matter what the situation or outcome, I cannot deny he is working in our lives.

7 weeks today. For that, I am grateful. A strong heartbeat. A good position in the uterus. I pray for your continued growth Baby A.

For you Baby B, I'm overwhelmed by your presence. I can't understand many things. What I do know is that even if you have passed on, you are still a creation of God that has been given to us.

Tomorrow is a big day and will be more telling of things to come. Please pray for wisdom from the MFM and clarity for us.

God is good all the time and all the time God is good.

The Good News and The Bad News

2008-12-22T19:23:00.006-06:00

We had our follow-up sonogram today, and the doctor came in joking about how many babies we were going to have. We reminded him that we were there to indeed check for multiples, and his joking tone became excited as he remembered my blood results and the report from the perinatologist the week prior.

When the sono began, the doctor had no problem spotting the beautiful baby growing in my uterus. "Just one," he said. I felt a little disappointed, having been so sure that the numbers and my symptoms could not be wrong. "Are you sure?" I asked. "The perinatologist mentioned the other thing was a little high up in the uterus." Just one, he clarified again.

We watched the heartbeat, feeling very excited. After a moment or two, he standardly scanning the rest of my pelvic region. He examined the outside of the uterus, the right ovary, then the left. When he got there, he went round and round, zooming in and out, and I could see what he saw. "There's a gestational sac here," he said, pointing out all the parts. He continued to check and measure and print and document, then agreed with himself that it was indeed a gestational sac, and I had a heterotopic pregnancy.

A heterotopic pregnancy is a pregnancy where there's both a growing intrauterine pregnancy, and a pregnancy outside of the uterus. Most commonly, the baby growing outside of the uterus grows in the fallopian tube. In very rare cases, it grows in the cervix, ovary or abdomen.

Instances of heterotopic pregnancies are on the rise with the increase of frequency of IVF, but spontaneous heterotopic pregnancies are rare. With my baby growing on my left ovary, I find myself in the rarest of rare situations.

During the sonogram, the doctor was unable to find a heartbeat in the heterotopic twin, and the "ring of fire" (bloodflow on the sonogram) was not complete, reaching only the top and bottom of the gestational sac, instead of completely circling it as it should. My doctor is hopeful that the absence of a heartbeat and the incomplete ring of fire means the baby has died, is deteriorating and will eventually be reabsorbed by my body. But, because it's still so early in this pregnancy and not totally unusual to not see a heartbeat at this stage, he's sending me to be scanned again on Wednesday. If there is growth or a heartbeat, he'll want to discuss surgery -- by Friday, if he can make me.

At this point, that's too overwhelming to consider. I've decided unless I'm in actual imminent danger -- like, hemmoraging or something -- I'm delaying surgery for at least a few more days. There are many things to consider, many pros and cons to the various approaches, lots of decisions weighing heavily on our hearts and minds. I'll lay out my thoughts in some posts over the next couple of days. Meanwhile, please keep praying for me and for my babies. (Such a bittersweet thing to say...)

The Cooperative Twin --
in the uterus where it belongs.

The Rebel Baby --
laying low in my left ovary.

I Am Powerless (by James)

2008-12-21T07:53:00.005-06:00

This morning we are at 6 weeks, 5 days pregnant and I think Amanda has been pregnant forever. In reality, tomorrow will be 3 weeks since the positive HPT.

I must admit that I thought having the bi-weekly blood draws and the extra eyes of an MFM would make this pregnancy easier mentally. And, for the most part, it is very helpful. I would rather know that the HGC and Progesterone numbers are climbing than being left in the unknown. There is something to be said about ease of mind.

All of that can quickly go away though as I learned on Thursday. When I am in a far off land (Green Bay, Wisconsin), the last thing I wanted to hear from Amanda is that she has some spotting and slight abdominal pain. There was nothing I could do except pray. And I prayed heavily that day. The good news is that what she experienced was common and the blood results since Thursday indicate that "by the numbers" the pregnancy is going great so far.

Lesson learned - I'm powerless. All the doctor visits, blood draws, internet research are great indicators of things to come. However, I have to continue to rely on God during this pregnancy. Otherwise, I am going to find myself a nervous wreck, walking on egg shells for the next 7-8 months. I refuse to live in a spirit of fear.

Amanda is doing great. She continues to be exhausted beyond belief, but is really resting more than she typically would for a woman constantly on the go. The kids do not expect anything. They're quite oblivious to the whole situation. Amanda and I have open conversations about the pregnancy with them in the room and so far neither Bub or Gracie expect anything. I'm hoping that is the case and they are not playing dumb. I can't wait until the day we will feel comfortable to tell them "our secret".

Friends, please continue to pray. The next couple of weeks are crucial based on our history of miscarriages. 6-8.5 weeks range seems to be when our early losses have occurred. I can sense your prayers. They are greatly appreciated.

I'm excited to visit the OB tomorrow morning to see how things have progressed. Hopefully, we will also be able to answer the question of "twins or not".

Relief

2008-12-19T15:39:00.003-06:00

The spotting from yesterday never changed to the bright red, scary color, and today, it stopped altogether. Also, I just spoke to my nurse about yesterday's blood draw -- my HCg level is at 15,547, and my progesterone level is 22.4. Those values are really good, and I am very grateful. My next scan is on Monday.

Thanks to each of you for your prayers and concern. I'm hoping the next 2-4 weeks pass very quickly so these numbers will no longer matter.

Personal Statistics vs. Common Statistics

2008-12-18T11:39:00.005-06:00

Late last night, I began spotting lightly. It stopped this morning, but it just began again, slightly heavier this time (though still considerably lighter than what would normally be considered dangerous). I have a slight twinge of continual pain on the left side.

Spotting -- even bleeding -- isn't uncommon in pregnancies. However, in my five previous pregnancies, I've only had spotting in the three that ended in the first trimester. It's hard not to let personal statistics override common ones.

As for the pain, it's not terrible, and it could just be pelvic tendons beginning to stretch. I remember having a similar pain when pregnant with Gracie, and nothing came of it obviously. I imagine the pain of stretching tendons would be more obvious this time since I have a cerclage buried in among them (which could also cause the spotting). Still, the pain coupled with the spotting cause me to feel concern.

I'm off for my biweekly blood work. If the progesterone level has moved further down, that could cause the spotting and it would hopefully be repairable at this point. If I'm miscarrying, my HCg levels should begin to drop. If everything remains stable and/or increases, I'm probably OK. I should know more tomorrow.

Something New to Worry About

2008-12-17T18:17:00.003-06:00

Colorado Doctor Finds Foot In Newborn's Brain

(And I'm totally kidding about this worrying me... sort of.)

Feeling More Optimistic

2008-12-17T02:26:00.003-06:00

After a day of research, I feel much more optimistic. James e-mailed me with article after article that stated from about 6 weeks on, HCg levels aren't accurately predictive of pregnancy health. The increase slows down, and numbers won't double more than every 96 hours or so. The ultrasounds become much more important than the HCg levels after 6 weeks, and what we saw Monday was good.

Randi mentioned praying for my mind to be quiet and sound, and I think that's precisely what I need. Moreover, we need wise, conservative doctors who aren't afraid to do what's necessary to protect my pregnancy and my health. We need God's grace to accept the calls they make, even if they don't make sense.

The Disadvantage of Knowing Too Much

2008-12-16T14:01:00.002-06:00

My results from yesterday have just come in: my HCg level is 8510, and my progesterone level is 22.0.

The progesterone, while it has dropped, is still at the top of a safe range, so I'm not extraordinarily concerned about the level at this point. I do feel concerned that it seems to have a downward trend, instead of having a slight upward climb as it should. I still am on a very low dose of a progesterone supplement, so we have a chance to bring it up if necessary, but I have 2-4 weeks before a placenta would be present and capable of taking over, replacing what I take. Thursday's draw should be telling.

As for the HCg levels, I was concerned about the fact that they took 81 hours to double instead of the 48-72 hours I considered normal, but James found this information on several websites:

Look most closely at progression: during the huge majority of early pregnancies (80-90%), the level will double every couple of days, or 72 hours. As your pregnancy progresses, levels rise and that doubling time increases. The expected doubling time for HCG levels:

• Under 1200 mIU/ml: 48-72 hours.

• Between 1200 to 6000 mIU/ml: 72-96 hours.

• Over 6000 mIU/ml: more than 96 hours

Do You See What I See?

2008-12-15T14:14:00.003-06:00

Today's ultrasound went beautifully. I love my perinatologist, and he and his employees seemed genuinely happy to see me today. Happy that I was pregnant again. It's nice to have two sets of eyes watching my every gestational move. Today, the peri decided to run some tests and piggybacked off my regular bi-weekly labwork, so other than having five vials of blood drawn today to appease his curiosity, it was a good day indeed.

As for what we saw, we saw one perfectly visible gestational sac with a yolk sac and a very new fetal pole (heartbeat). There was another something else there, and it's too soon to say precisely what it is.

My doctor, who is very conservative (particularly given my history) put it this way: he was unwilling to call it a twin pregnancy at this point, but he did say he's seen things like what I have later develop and reveal a growing baby. At this stage in a pregnancy, a day or two can make a world of difference.

What I mean by that is a gestational sac is not visible until 5 1/2 weeks, in general. We're estimating that I'm 5w 6d today based on when we assumed I ovulated or generally ovulate. The truth of the matter is that my pregnancy could be a couple of days younger than we think, and this early, that could mean the difference between seeing a gestational sac and not seeing one.

Also, it is not impossible for a woman to ovulate, and ovulate again a few hours or even a couple of days later. I've read forums of women who are pregnant with twins, and one measures twenty weeks, while the other measures twenty weeks and three days. That could just be a difference in size estimation, but it could also mean a discrepancy in ovulation times.

I'm not hanging onto twins, but it's not officially been ruled out yet. In an effort to explain what we saw, the doctor said what's there could just be a pocket of implantation blood revealed on the ultrasound, but (1) it looked nothing like the implatation bleeding I've seen on ultrasound before, and (2) I don't think he'd even suggest the possibility of twins unless he really thought there was some sort of a chance. Time will tell, I guess.

As of today, we're very excited to be pregnant with one baby implanted within the uterus who appears to be very healthy and is maintaining some excellent numbers. We're very curious about what the doctor found, and wonder if it will become something, or if it will merely go away. I have a repeat ultrasound in one week (at 6w6d), and again, two weeks after that (at 8w6d). Things should be clear for us very soon...

A Very Grainy First Photo

On the Big Screen

Friday's Numbers

2008-12-15T06:54:00.003-06:00

It just occurred to me that I failed to post Friday's numbers. They've been coming in later in the day when I seem to be the busiest, so time just got away. On Friday, my HCg increased to 3889, and my progesterone went back up to 25.4.

I'm excited about that progesterone level. Ususally, I come in around 12-15, and we fight to get it up to 16-18, the low end of a good range. And when I say fight, I mean it. Usually, I'm taking two supplements orally and one compounded supplement elsewhere, and it's a real nightmare. This time, I'm taking one average dose orally, and I think that's more for my peace of mind than anything. It's that number that makes me feel very hopeful that this baby (or these babies) is (are) meant to be.

When the nurse told me of the HCg level, I was concerned it hadn't risen enough. She said they like to see them double every 48-72 hours, which it did. It doubled within 56 hours, but still, I was worried. Later in the day, when I really thought about it, I remembered that the previous number doubled every 26 hours. Most women wouldn't have their blood analyzed every three to four days, so based on that law of averages, I was still more than ok. On the chart, I still sit above the high line, and when the numbers are run, I still well within the range of twins (meaning if that's what this is, my numbers are still healthy).

This morning, we're on our way to the perinatologist for the initial scan. I'm excited, and very nervous. It's amazing to be here once again.

So Far, So Good (by James)

2008-12-13T18:05:00.004-06:00

The nurse called with Amanda's latest blood test results. So far so good! HGC is at 3889 and progesterone climbed to 25.4. Very good numbers. The HGC "doubling time" has decreased a bit t0 57.15. This still puts Amanda in a very good place. (As long as we are doubling HGC every 48-72 hours, we're good.)

I'm anxious for the appointment Monday morning with the MFM, Dr. Trimmer. We should be at a point where we can see gestation sac, fetal pole, heart beat, etc...

I have been tracking Amanda's HGC numbers at www.betabase.info. She is still tracking at the median range for twins and tracking very high for a singleton. We are excited at the possibilities of multiples! We should definitely know on Monday how many we can expect.

Today is the first day since we found out about the pregnancy that time has actually not stood still. We are at 5 weeks 4 days today and now can see 6 weeks at the end of the tunnel.

Amanda has been exhausted. The busy times of the Holiday Season aren't helping things either.

Thank you friends for your continued prayers. They are truly appreciated and felt.

Keep growing baby.

Only 9 days -- Really!? (by James)

2008-12-10T20:51:00.003-06:00

Has it really been only 9 days since we found out Amanda was pregnant? I don't think time can move any slower than it has.

I'm so happy we have made it to 5 weeks and 1 day today. There is something to be said about little victories. I know we have lots still ahead and things may change with each blood test results. But as for now I say "THANK YOU GOD!"

Monday we will know more of where this pregnancy is headed. I am excited, yet scared. The problem is I know way too much about early pregnancy than any person not an OB/GYN should know thanks to the internet.

Could it be twins? Maybe. That would be a nice surprise.

Still praying hard for you baby (babies).

On a New Week and Higher Numbers

2008-12-09T21:16:00.003-06:00

Today, I crossed over into 5 weeks of pregnancy. It's so amazing that really we've only been at this just over a week, and yet, it feels like this process has been going on for ages. It's difficult to realize that many women wouldn't even know they were pregnant at this early stage in the game, whereas I've already been in cahoots with two doctors, several nurses, even more phlebotomists, and perhaps a vampire or two. There's no wonder a loss at eight or nine weeks is so hard for me -- I have more prenatal care in the first weeks of a pregnancy than many women have all along!

Barb, the OB nurse, called today with Monday's blood results: HCg 1569 and progesterone 23.2. My progesterone decreased some, but some fluctuation is normal -- even within the same day -- and my levels are still above the top of a very safe range. If Thursday's test indicates another drop into the teens, my supplementation will likely be increased. At this point, though, there's no change ordered.

As for the HCg level, the little program James runs indicated that it doubled every 26 hours. 26 hours! In a healthy singleton pregnancy, it's not even necessary to double every 48 hours -- a 66% increase is sufficient. Based on the charts he compares, there's a very high probability I'm pregnant with twins. I've been consistently within the upper median range for twins, and the middle median range for triplets. Squeal!

Back to reality, though, HCg levels aren't a precise predictor of numbers of implantations. There are so many contingencies, and because I didn't have a follicle check this month to pinpoint exactly when I ovulated (it was supposed to be a break and all), it could just be that I'm a few days further along than we think. Monday's scan should be telling, both of numbers and of gestational age, and from there, and increasing HCg level will be indicative of pregnancy health. Monday can't get here quick enough!

(Is it just me, or does the babystrology app indicate that I'm pregnant with a seahorse?)

On Blood Draws and Twilight

2008-12-08T12:56:00.004-06:00

I went to the lab today for my third blood draw. Both HCg and Progesterone levels will be monitored twice weekly until around 10-12 weeks gestation. For today's lab visit, I brought along a well-worn library copy of Twilight. I'm the last of my friends, and maybe the last of all humankind, to read the series.

As I signed in, the receptionist phlebotomist literally had to purse her lips to keep from giving away all the good parts of the story. She opened up to say that the series was so good, she was reading the first book again after reading them all and seeing the movie twice. Then she was back to pursing her lips.

When I was called from the waiting room to go back for the draw, the receptionist phlebotomist told the other phlebotomist to look at what I was carrying in my hands. It was just the book, but it may as well have been the holy grail. That phlebotomist, then, wanted to know my every opinion about the book, the series, the characters, the movie, and so on. I told her I was a few pages into chapter one -- I had no opinion. I just hoped it was as good as everyone let on.

I stopped talking to her and looked away from the blood pouring forth from my veins. When I did, I noticed a Twilight poster hanging ominously over a nearby draw station, and I felt just a touch uncomfortable.

The Christmas Ornament

2008-12-07T14:45:00.003-06:00

In the midst of the holiday craziness and at the very beginning stages of this process, I bought the baby its very first Christmas ornament. Last year, after a year of back to back losses, we bought baby ornaments. We bought an individual one for both Ainsley and Zachary, and a combined one for the first and last babies who lived so briefly.

James has already been looking at cribs and sleepers and maternity clothes. I chided him for being ahead of the game, but he just said, "I'm going to enjoy this, every minute of it. That's how I want this pregnancy to be." We're doing our best to be naive once again. To be pregnant and excited and expectant. That is why when I saw the little ornament, I knew it was just right.

It's a "Baby's 1st Christmas" ornament (though I removed that part), and it shows Pooh giving Piglet a Christmas package. Around the bottom is this text: "A baby," said Pooh, "is a very nice thing indeed." With that, I concur. We feel extraordinarily blessed to be pregnant once again, and so excited to be pregnant during Christmas. It's wonderful having such a delicious little secret at such a magical time of the year.

Initial Impressions (by James)

2008-12-06T21:22:00.003-06:00

James here. I wanted to share my current emotions and feelings.

First off, I am extremely grateful and feel that God has blessed Amanda with this pregnancy. I will be the first to admit that I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I have made the decision to "live in the moment" and not fear of the unknown.

After months of trying to conceive, I will be honest, I reached the point that I did not think we were going to ever able to conceive again. Amanda and I had recently come to realize that we would be content with this and pursue adoption further. God, thankfully, has other plans!

I have been extremely emotional. In my prayer time, meditation, listening to Christmas music, etc... I get overwhelmed with joy and tears in a matter of seconds. Leading up to this pregnancy, I "just knew" everything would be easy once we conceived. Not so. I realize there is so much that could go wrong at the blink of an eye based on our prior history in pregnancies. Yet, I am grateful!

I want to tell all my friends and the kids today, but know I can't yet. It's hard, especially for the kids. They want a baby brother/sister so bad. Gracie prays for that (literally) every night. I am thankful for those few friends we have told and appreciate their prayers and intercessions. The last 5 days have been joyous, and has made this Christmas season extra special.

Baby, I am praying for you.

35 hours

2008-12-05T21:16:00.002-06:00

The results of today's bloodwork were really good. My HCG level was 164 and my progesterone level was 27.4. James ran the number through some system, and it calculates that my HCG level doubles every 35 hours. Provided that it climbs 66% within 48 hours, the pregnancy looks good. This pregnancy (by the numbers) looks great!

The quickness of the climb puts me at a high potential for multiples. My first scan with Dr. Trimmer is at 6 weeks on December 15. We'll see how many there are at that time. Time, please fly!

Insomnia

2008-12-05T03:06:00.002-06:00

I'm 4w 4d, and I have insomnia. It's 3:08 A.M., and I'm only now beginning to feel like I could lay down to close my eyes. I don't know what the deal is! If there's any advantage, I get things done in the middle of the night. Still, sleep would be so much better.

Still waiting on the lab resuls. Should have them around lunchtime tomorrow.

Three days later

2008-12-04T22:57:00.002-06:00

We've known about this pregnancy only about 72 hours, and yet, it already feels so old. Not old as in we're over it, but old as in it's only been three days?! I think we both forgot just how involved my pregnancies are! Already I've been to the lab twice and to the doctor's office once. I've spoken to the nurse probably six times on the phone and once in person. I still have to connect with Dr. Trimmer, and make my official first OB appointment. So much to do, so little time.

Because it was the end of the year, James was able to modify his benefit elections for 2009. He changed our FSA, so we'll be able to pay for a bit of this pregnancy pre-tax. That's nice. Also, our insurance plan went down about $165/month (for the same coverage), so we won't even notice what's being taken out pre-tax. We're already accustomed to it not being in the paycheck.

As for how I feel, I feel hopeful. I certainly feel pregnant physically. I've been drained and unmotivated, and I have tingly, itchy body parts. No nausea, but that's not a common symptom for me. I'd like to think I've had some food cravings, but it's too early for that. Pseudo-cravings -- that's what I've been having. Now, if only James would get on board and honor the cravings, pseudo or not. He said as long as I crave Sonic, Chicken Express, or Chio's Mexican Food (all the local restaurants -- seriously, all of them), I'm all set.

Initial Lab Results

2008-12-03T12:49:00.002-06:00

The lab results came in just now, and it's official -- I'm PREGNANT! My HCg level was at 64, and my progesterone level was at 25.2. I can't recall a time when my progesterone level was so healthy -- especially this early! Remember, it was drawn yesterday, which should have been the first day of my December menstrual cycle. Anything 15 or higher is acceptable. Between 17-20 is good. 25 is WONDERFUL!

I really am so excited about that number because the progesterone issue is always what does me it, whether physically or emotionally. For once, I don't feel worried.

As a precaution, I'll be taking 200mg Prometrium orally only once per day. (I honestly think that's for my peace of mind rather than for any medical reason.) Additionally, I'll have monitoring labs drawn every Monday and Thursday until I reach 10-12 weeks gestation. At that point, the placenta should meet take the place of the corpus luteum and progesterone will be unnecessary.

I tried to call Dr. Trimmer (the perinatologist) to touch base and to see when he wants me in for my first scan. He'll want to make sure the placement is ok with regards to the T.A.C. (transabdominal cerclage). They're out of the office now, so I'll try again another time.

Two more tests can't be wrong...

2008-12-02T09:41:00.000-06:00

This morning, I took two more pregnancy tests. Two different brands, even! (Just want to make sure I'm not dealing with a faulty lot.) One test showed two pink lines. The other, a blue plus sign. Three tests later, I'm pretty sure there's no mistake.

I've already called the doctor and will have blood drawn today to confirm the results. They'll also draw for a progesterone baseline. Today would be CD28, so I'm 4w 0d pregnant today.

Good News!

2008-12-01T22:33:00.002-06:00

We found out today that I'm pregnant! We've been trying to conceive on and off since my most recent loss in August 2007. After being on high doses of Clomid for most of the year, I was beginning to be concerned about broken parts. Honestly, so were the doctors.

After developing an ovarian cyst during my Sept/Oct cycle and having my normally 28-day cycle extend to 52 days, my doctor decided we should take a month-long break. I just saw my OB/GYN two weeks ago for my annual, and he was in agreement for the month only, but then wanted us right back on the conception track. His words, "I don't care who gets you pregnant, as long as we get you there." I'm hoping he meant my doctors by medical procedures -- not some other way! :)

Anyway, this cycle was sort of a wash, what with Thanksgiving and traveling and the adoption seminar. We really had no hope. But, I had a cheap Dollar Tree test in the bathroom, and I took it late at night right before we planned to watch a movie. I took it, left it, and came back to check five minutes later. To my absolute surprise, I saw two lines!

We're very excited, but very apprehensive. Already, we've begun praying. I'll repeat the tests in the morning.